Avoiding Millstones
Posted by TulipGirl | Under GFI / Ezzo / Babywise, Pearls / TTUAC / NGJ, Theology for Girls Saturday Mar 18, 2006It broke my heart to read this today.
I have seen within the Christian subculture a lot of very well-meaning abuse at the hands of loving parents. Parents who don’t want to be and don’t intend to be abusive. A lot of what I’ve seen is due to the emphasis on “being consistent.” While the Pearls and others teach that “being consistent” will mean fewer spankings, what the reality is in many families and for many children is that “consistent” spankings results in very freqent, increasingly harder, spankings.
I’ve been in conversations with mothers, worrying about whether bruises on bottoms would show. If CPS would be called. If a trip to the pediatrician should be changed. And these were loving mothers, who in general were gentle and soft-spoken. But the repeated teachings of spank ‘em, and spank ‘em harder until they obey did result in what could objectively only be labeled abuse.
Anyway, this whole very sad situation reminds me of an article I once read, and that all those who give advice, write books, or encourage others in Christian parenting should read.
Thanks for bringing attention to this tragedy.
Now *that* was a good article.
I meant the Avoiding Millstones article… I hope that is self-evident, but wanted to clarify just in case…
Oh, no. Thanks for the link to the millstones piece.
I am constantly amazed at the amount of “Godly” parenting books that have no shred of God’s grace portrayed therein. I do not believe that defiance is glorifying to God, but neither do I believe that severely spanking your kid is glorifying either. At some point, I believe it is easy to forget that your child’s sin of disobedience is offensive to God; instead it becomes offensive that your child is defying YOUR authority (I’m using “you” collectively, here).
I just wept at this story. Thank you for putting this out there.
This was very hard to read, I cried for quite a while last night. It is amazing when God reveals your sin this way… I have been so wrong and harsh as a mom. This just shows the extreme or the end of this way of thinking about discipline.
I just read this and wondered if you’d seen it.
It illustrates exactly the problem with these types of teachers. Everyone says “Use common sense!” – but some people just don’t. And it’s the children who suffer for it.
So sad.
Wow! What a great article to bring those issues to light! My hubby and I are just getting into discipline with our 18 month old and it is quite controversial in the Christian community…to spank or not to spank? :) I think that this article should be read by all parents to temper whatever their discipline decisions are. Sad that some equate “training up a child in the way he should go” with beating him to death. How tragic. It should be an attitude check for us all in how we spank our children and to what extent!
That is such a sad story.
Hi there – just dropping in to look at your blog, after K sent me your hubby’s hilarious page!
that article has stunned me.
many of us know about bruises… worrying about going to the dr… hungry children… wondering if parenting was meant to be so depressing and if we should feel so alone when after all, people have been bringing up children for centuries. when did this nornmal part of life become so technical?
“It illustrates exactly the problem with these types of teachers. Everyone says “Use common sense!” – but some people just don’t. And it’s the children who suffer for it.”
But even when the parents *do* “use common sense” there is a problem.
Given the personalities of some children and the dynamics of some families, it isn
It’s hard to hear “use common sense” coming from the Pearls, Ezzos, etc. to defend themselves when they also tell people to ignore their maternal instincts.
I have two thoughts about this issue. One is why are Christians, specifically homeschoolers (I am a home school mamma of 5) being so stupid. Where is our discernment??
My husband and I were introduced to Ezzo when we first had children and Pearl a few years ago. I tend to want someone to tell me step by step what to do and their material was appealing to me. My hubby studied Michael Pearl and after confronting the elders on teaching them threw our copy away and asked me to unsubscribe to their magazine, which I did reluctantly.
I am so thankful now, I was already believing to much of what was taught, I had tried the hose spraying method of potty training… how sad.. and was spanking literally all day. I was so frustrated. We as Christians need to go back to the Word of God and stop looking to men for answers.
The other thing is that the church needs to question the integrity of men who are their own authority, who answer to themselves only or who have been disciplined by Bible believing churches. My husband pointed out to me the theological errors of the Pearls. We studied their doctrinal statement and saw that they believe a child is sinless until an age of accountability and that we can actually be perfect on this side of eternity. It is strange that a to high view of man can actually make someone more harsh.
But when we have a reformed view of man as utterly depraved and see our own need for Him I think that this enables us to be gracious to others, including our children.
Sorry so long… I have really been heart broken by this story.
I am a Christian parent who believes that spanking is Biblical. I believe that spankings can be given in a controlled, loving manner for the purpose of discipline. Having said that, I do think that the story in that article is horrific. I do not know anything about the Pearls, except what I have read on these GBD sites, but I believe I can say that their recommendation of pipe as a tool for spanking is atrocious.
I also appreciated the second article which did not make extraordinary claims or accusations against spanking, but against real abuse. The end of that article stated that not all spanking is abuse and that is so true.
We have so many tools and options as Christian parents. It is so sad to see these extreme cases where people twist Scripture to justify their sinful expressions of abusive discipline.
Excellent points TG and I agree with you. I gave a quick, lazy comment…you clarified it nicely.
In the interest of accuracy. . . ” but I believe I can say that their recommendation of pipe as a tool for spanking is atrocious.”
One of the tools that the Pearls teach is equivalent to a Biblical rod is not a pipe, but “”a light, flexible instrument will sting without bruising or causing internal damage. Many people are using a section of
Mist, you bring up some very excellent points. *hug*
Sparrow! I wasn’t criticizing or disagreeing with you–just expounding. . . *hug*
The problem may have something to do with parents who spank in anger. The wooden spoon works for us, but we lovingly apply it in cases of deliberate defiance, not “childish” behavior. Then, I use gentle words to explain why he’s getting spanked, and love on him afterwards.
About potty training, our older two (13 and 15) were potty trained when they were ready, not a moment sooner. With Ethan, who is 2 years, 5 months, he’s not ready. We are still trying to get to the point where he can sense the urge before he goes. Developmentally, he’s just not there yet. You can’t take a one size fits all approach to many aspects of parenting, especially potty training.
While a sickening account, this story cannot be used as some seem to, as any kind of argument against the Biblical responsibilities of parents to punish their children.
Also there seems to be a fundamental disconnect in the understanding of “discipline” with many people concerned about this topic. Spanking or beating is not discipline, although spanking could/should be a facet of discipline. Spanking is punishment. Discipline is teaching/training the child. Teaching children that there is justice to be meted out for rebellion in the form of spanking can be a part of that discipline, but NOT the whole. Too often parents think they are disciplining their children by spanking them and utterly fail to discipline/train/teach them. Then when the child grows up and goes astray they can’t understand, “But I disciplined them consistently!” But they never bothered discipling their children, just punishing them. There is a vital difference.
And the concern about anyone seeing bruising these days is real. Even Christians/Churchgoers are willing to turn in responsible parents who spank their children (bruising or none) to pagan “authorities”, as though the godless State “authorities” can do a better job after they take the children from the home and put them into an incredibly wicked system where abuse is rampant. But to worry too much about bruising seems to be ignoring the passage reminding you that “Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die”. I think this could be taken as comfort to parents who are extremely sensitive. And that perhaps some bruising can occasionally be expected from a whack or two. Not to say that should be the aim by any means! But to not do as the Bible says because of fear of causing any pain or fear of pagan “authorities” is a weakness that needs to be overcome for the good of the child.
After all is said, if not done in love it is just plain wrong. Nobody can honestly defend the kind of beating the child received in this story. This is sin.
Thanks for commenting on my blog. I want you to know that I *do acknowledge that not all Christians agree with the Pearls on their discipline techniques.
While the comments I’ve read condemning their practices have come from the religious and the secular, ALL of the comments *I have seen defending the Pearls have been from Christians. That is why they are being singled out.
This incident has awakened some people to the problem. The problem isn’t the *Pearls*. The problem is that the culture of parenting that has developed around conservative Christian parenting has grown so heavy, icky and punitive that the Pearls don’t stand immediately out as extreme. They’ve been normalized because of the culture of punishment.
There has been a boycott called and other people are talking:
http://happyhomeschooler.blog-city.com/no_greater_joy.htm
Excellent discussion and thoughts. I especially appreciated the advice to be careful about teaching strangers idea about correction. It is so easy to get misread or misconstrued and apply this as the end all of advice. We have a tendency to “look up” to authors in an unhealthy way. It’s sad when the authors do nothing to dampen that. How I wish the Pearls would have answered with at least a comment of sympathy for the child. He is the unintended casualty in this sad story. And yet there isn’t even a statement of condolence to the family for their loss.
I am currently reading the book “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp. In it the author shows that it is important for us to shepherd our children and focus our attention on their hearts more than their behavior because their behavior reflects the state of their hearts. The behavior is not neglected, but the heart is the focus. We can speak to our children about their own heart and their need for the Gospel. What I try to remind myself of regularly is that my children (I have four) belong to God. He has given them to me and my husband by His sovereign choice to bring up to fear and to love Him. This story should remind us all that they are not ours to do with as we choose. The fruit of the Spirit (self-contol, gentleness, patience, etc.) should be evident in our lives in our dealings with our children. I was raised with “the parent is in charge” perspective. There’s so much more to it than that. Thank you so much for posting this letter.
I would think that if any abuse ever took place charges of “abuse” would come from their children who are all grown and happlily married. Not only do they not say that, here is what they have to say on the subject…
Are Michael and Debi Pearl
We read ‘sheparding a child’s heart’ and are tweaking that a bit based on our family’s experiences. Philosophically, we want the same hand that disciplines to love so therefore we (my wife and I) are the only ones that discipline our son. There’s a bit of controls that we’ve built into the process (prayer, accountability to each other, reconcillation with us, and a measurable amount of grace; we believe that our children should love grace :)). Spanking > bad, I believe the heart that you come at it with is what makes bad, destructive discipline times; if my heart’s not right then it simply won’t work. I also believe that my two year old *isn’t* going to get it if I spank him harder, but it’s more of a time process that it will click in. Sometimes, discipline takes on different forms (time outs, stern talking tos, etc.) to meet the situation and to, in my broken way, show the right path.
For the record, I think the pearls are nut jobs. I think choosing an instrument of discipline is just asking for problems like the one that is in this article. Which, by the way, was awful to read; there’s just something about articles about abuse, etc that just hurt my heart as a parent now. :(
–pete
Liz and others who read Rebekah Pearl Anast’s well-meaning defense of her parents. . .
Just because this adult child looks fondly at her childhood, does not mean that what is being taught by Michael and Debi Pearl is harmless or Biblical.
As katiekind once said, quite eloquently:
Interesting letter from Rebekah Anast. How nice to know that her parents didn’t follow their own advice.
~ I have no interest in stirring up controversy – but I do think it is time we stopped looking the other way when this kind of teaching (spanking with plastic tubing, etc.) is given. I am glad to see you and others speaking up. I would not hesitate to warn any mother against using TTUAC.
I am confused if you are an advocate of spanking or not.
Rebekah’s article is subjective. We are not arguing that her parents loved her or what kind of home she had. We are arguing that her parents are teaching something harmful, even unbiblical. Anyone can raise obedient kids(superficially), and even Mormons have “good families” (so it seems on the outside). What the “Pearls” are doing is treating children like animals.
God’s Word gives us principals, Biblical parenting is relying on God and seeking wisdom from Him. This looks different for each family and each child.
I keep thinking of the children in Palestine who are very obedient as they throw granades, or the children in Japan whose worship for the emperor made them very “obedient” and evil.
What is our goal as parents? It is not how still our kids can sit in public or if they say “yes ma’m” on cue. We should desire, as Tulipgirl has pointed out, to be speaking to the them of the Lord at all times and instilling His truth’s to them.
Crud. I was deleting spam and deleted comments by Debra Baker and brian inadvertantly
I’m sorry! Ack!
Got too delete happy. I apologize.
Thanks for visiting my blog and your comments. This is more in response to one of your commentors, but this is something else that I DO NOT understand. One of the frequent comments I read by those in favor of the Pearls is, “use common sense.” I expect to use that in any material I read, but if I need it especially in regards to this book because the authors appear to have let theirs go a bit, why bother reading it?
When I quoted excerpts to my dad he got a strange look on his face and came directly to the heart of it…”yeah, but they are children, not dogs.” Children have a soul and a will. They will be defiant no matter how well “trained.”
Looking at their website, they speak of an incident with CPS and being investigated. I do not doubt that CPS would walk away and not prosecute. Their stuff is weird and not bibilcally sound, but so far as I can tell, none of it is actually illegal. But I seriously doubt the investigator gave ANY indication that they would want them training foster parents. Foster parents are not to use corporal punishment at any time for any reason…they would lose their license. And with an object? In this state, hitting with anything other than the hand is considered “abusive” although technically not abuse (that from a caseworker, not necessarily the law or how it reads).
Hi, Dana!
Re: the “use common sense” bit. . . I have seen the general attitude communicated in the writings by Michael and Debi Pearl to infuse an antagonistic mindset, us vs. them, into the parent/child and husband/wife relationships. That, in spite of their “tying heartstrings” insistence.
Combine that with the admonishment that if their ideas aren’t “working” in a family, the reason is that the parent isn’t being “consistent” enough or striking hard enough. Well, it’s not a far journey from “normal” spanking to what I’ve sadly seen in loving, Christian homes–well-intentioned child abuse.
The “Avoiding Millstones” article I linked to above makes several important points. But I would want to emphasize to *anyone* that encourages parents to spank–that instruction should *only* be given within an intimate, real-life, discipleship relationship. One in which both parties are aware of any struggles with anger, past history of abuse recieved, any family tendency towards alcoholism, any lack of self-control or related issues.
The Pearls book published on the web and handed out like candy at homeschool conventions is irresponsible, at the least, of Michael and Debi Pearl. Their instructions on discipline, as written, lead so easily to abuse. Coupled with their insistence that it is the best way, and to do it “right” means more consistent–it is just another sad story like Sean Paddock’s waiting to happen.
I want to thank you for bringing up this subject. I believe, as a Christian, that we are to model the love and grace that
G-d has extended to us through Jesus.
When children are treated to the most extreme forms of legalism,the Gospel is misrepresented to both the children and to the world in general.
It breaks my heart to have people, especially potentially at-risk parents encouraged to become more harsh instead of more grace-full.
I sat under draconian parenting teachings for years and my older children suffered under our stiff necked version of legalism, all the while it never sat well with my own spirit.
Finally, I decided to do my own study of the Bible verses and, lo and behold, they didn’t teach us to spank or be harsh to our little ones.
What I needed (oh, heck, still need,)is to be encouraged in love and tolerence, to extend the grace and love and patience I have received. To focus on the child’s duties and neglect to remember my own duty to not provoke my children is picking at their splinters with a plank in my own eye.
I can’t remember what Tulipgirl deleted (I’m taking it as accidentially,) but this is brewing in my heart and has actually provoked me to start blogging and making said pathetic attempt at a blog public.
Debra Baker
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