Your comment illustrates another concern I have about the Pearls’ teachings as well as other parenting gurus who have made a name for themselves within the Christian subculture. “I was so thankful to find the pearls before I started parenting. . . What sweet things I have learned from the Pearl’s. . .” While I think it is good to acknowledge those who have had an impact in our lives, too often I hear praise go to man’s teachings. It saddens me to hear parents not acknowledge how their own love, active involvement, and reliance upon Christ has benefited their family–and instead point to a parenting teacher. (I’m sure you’ve heard, too, “People say I have such a ‘good baby’–I’m glad I use Babywise.”)

“The Pearls have said many times that their training is humanistic techniques and not the gospel.”

Would you point me to where they’ve said that?

Personally, I’ve found that the more we apply the GOSPEL in our family relationships, the more effective our parenting is and the stronger our love is. Though, it is a daily living-it-out, seeking the Lord, to learn HOW the Gospel is applied in our family.

Again, Karen, welcome.

I know you have been encouraged by the Pearls. Please continue to bring what they say to the Bible. I’m troubled by the Pearls’ teachings, especially their failure to point to the Gospel and the need that parents AND children need to lean into the grace of Jesus Christ daily. That, in my experience, is the missing core of their teachings–living out the Gospel, and what that looks like in the home.

“I just wanted to say that many of the Pearls publications have helped me understand that I need to be more kind. . .”

I know that the Pearls’ encouragement to “tie heartstrings” has helped others as well. However, I’ve found that sort of encouragement can be found from many other sources, without the conflicting messages that are in the Pearls’ writings (like adults pulling infant’s hair, adults hitting toddlers with toys, and other examples that are not “standard” but are communicated as acceptable, in the illustrations they provide in TTUAC.)

“and appraise things well from a psychological and philosophical standpoint.”

Would you explain what you mean by this more? I’m not exactly clear on what you’re thinking by this.

“Their teachings have lined up well with scripture. . .

Actually, I have profound concerns about their misuse of Scripture and faulty theology. I went into that some in the body of this post, however I’d be willing to discuss it more with you, if you like.

“. . . and are not heavily focused on spankings. I believe what they promote is that spankings are sometimes necessary. . .”

As it is taught, the Pearls imply that if you “train” your infants/toddlers consistently (in general, using physical punishment–taps, flicks, strikes, spanks) then it will result in the children learning early and prevent the need for spankings for older children. That sounds attractive as the Pearls present it, but in practice, many parents find the “consistent” training ala the Pearls lead to many repeated swats or spanks. The parents may be doing everything “right” ala the Pearls, but it isn’t leading to the promised results. Increased parental stress and parent/child antagonism continues to grow. I’ve seen this pattern lived out in families many, many times.

“. . .a loving training environment where you foster fellowship, dignity and respect will develop children that rise up and call you blessed.

While parts of what the Pearls teach come across as they very much enjoy their children, in other parts of their writings they communicate a dehumanizing attitude towards children. (See Doug Wilson’s quote in the text above.)

Again, Erica, I’m glad you’ve come by. I would like to know what you meant by “philosophical and psychological” and other thoughts about this conversation.

Grace and peace,
TulipGirl

The Pearls rely on a model of parenting that focuses on using punishment (primarily hitting small children) that is somewhat like positive punishment/conditioning, and call it “Biblical.” The Pearls also have a great distrust for anything that appears to be “secular” or “psychological.” Hence, I was trying to show how what they promote is closer to what they don’t like (behaviorism, conditioning, “secular” psychology) and not as Biblical as they proclaim.

When it comes to properly understood and properly used BMod, personally I believe it has a place in therapeutic educational situations more frequently than in the home (taking a cue from Ross Campbell.)

I find that coming from a Reformed and Covenantal point of view, I have to reject the underlying premises of what is taught by the Ezzos, the Pearls, Tripp, etc. . .

But, it does leave us as Christian parents in a difficult situation. We DO need tools as we are going through our daily walk of nurturing our children.

For me, I need to keep in mind my need of a Savior, daily. My sin is a daily reminder of my need for grace. When this is at the forefront of my mind, then it is easier to communicate that to my children. (Yes, my children are sinners in need of Savior. They are also children of the Covenant, and my brothers in Christ.)

My oldest is almost 12. A combination of factors (one of which is our early parenting mistakes, another is he is prone to the same sins I am–who likes seeing a mirror of their sins?!) means that he and I especially have a more difficult time. I am more prone to adopt an antagonistic attitude towards him than I am with the others. Yet, the Lord has brought tremendous healing and continues to do so.

There are not “easy” answers, no formulas, no five-step parenting plan I can recommend. You and your son will have struggles. But I believe that the more you see him as your brother in Christ and the more you seek to communicate the Gospel to him, and view his sin as a reason to point him to Christ (rather than a reason to punish), the more your relationship will be built.

That sounds good, but it can be hard to have good theory in the middle of a trying moment. On the practical side, my first tool of response in a situation that needs mommy-intervention is “Hug&Pray.” Hugging or holding my child on my lap calms me down, calms them down, prevents me from reacting in anger, gives an opportunity to reconnect. Praying (either silently or out loud, depending on the situation) provides a time to seek God’s wisdom and supernatural peace in the immediate situation and illustrates to both me and my child that I am dependent upon the Lord in parenting.

The next step. . . depends. In response to the situation, the Lord, the child. . . It may include correction and repenting. It may include snuggling and singing. It may include a project of restitution. Regardless, it is a result of leaning into the Lord and reconnecting with my child.

Grace and peace,

I’ve heard about Parenting With Love and Logic, but haven’t read it. Most of what I’ve heard has been on the more positive side, though. I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on it when you are finished reading it.

You are so right about how the Lord so often seems to teach us more about Himself and how we love Him by first introducing one idea, and then it snowballs. . .

With motherhood being such a significant part of my life right now, I find that so much of what the Lord is doing in my life spiritually is through the object lessons in motherhood.

I think you’d find some mommy-encouragement in this article:
Restoring Gently and Carrying Burdens

Grace and peace,

You know how God will begin to teach you something and soon you will be shot by it from all directions? Congrats on being one of the arrows in his holy quiver.

My oldest child is 4 so I am still very green at this discipline thing. I read TTUAC a while back and while it had some points, I just didn’t like it. It just checked my soul. I do still subscribe to their newsletter, honestly, mostly for freak-show value. The attitude of pride that pervades every page is so strong it is overwhelming.

So, the arrows shot at me lately have all been regarding heart-based discipline. I am even wrote a devotional about it for Thus that I hope you will read on my blog. So to literally stumble across this article at this time is so fortuitous.

Thanks for summing up exactly why the Pearls have always made me a little queasy. I don’t yet have to wisdom to articulate it myself.

God bless.

Isn’t this the truth, though? Isn’t this what we need to be reminded of daily? As people, and as parents?

Mica Garbarino