Justice and Mercy
Posted by TulipGirl | Under Christianity and the Church, Pearls / TTUAC / NGJ Monday May 19, 2008Sean Paddock, a cherub-faced 4 y/o, died over two years ago as a result of abuse at the hands of his foster-adopted mother. The trial of Lynn Paddock began this week, and it is being closely covered by the NC News & Observer. The reports I’ve read and the videos I’ve watched are heart-breaking.
I’ve mentally debated whether or not to write about this, because I shy away from sensationalism and exhibitionism. Yet this trial points to larger issues and is a cautionary tale.
While the testimonies thus far point to Lynn Paddock as having patterns of abusing her children in ways that are far outside of the norm in Christian families, Lynn Paddock was still seeking help from “Christian” parenting teachers.
It is said that Lynn Paddock’s lawyers will try to defend her actions as being under the influence of Michael and Debi Pearl, authors of several books and newsletters, most notably “To Train Up A Child.”
The Pearls are not to be scapegoated. Lynn Paddock and her husband are responsible for their own actions. However, that does not release Michael and Debi Pearl from the need to accept responsibility for their words and their teachings.
The Pearls advocate parenting through high-control and end-justifies-the-means practices. Consider this teaching of the Pearls:
“If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.”
The Pearls teach parents that they should use whatever force is necessary to restrain a child, to hold him there until he is surrendered. . . defeat him totally. Using blankets to do that as Lynn Paddock did definitely fits the “spirit” of what is taught.
I want to be clear that I hold Lynn Paddock, the foster-adoptive mother, to be responsible for her actions.
However, teachers within the church like Michael and Debi Pearl ARE aware of the impact of their words and teachings. They also need to take responsibility for the impact of their words and ideas. In the case of the Pearls, they know their influence–they seek this influence.
The Pearls would do well to consider their influence–especially over those who already have issues with anger, inclinations towards harshness, have been abused themselves. Teachings such as those of the Pearls push those who already have control issues (and lack of self-control issues) from merely harsh discipline to abuse. The message of this article, Avoiding Millstones, ought to be taken to heart.
Lord, have mercy on us all.
It’s hard to know just how much to blame the Pearls and how much not. On the one hand, this lady is obviously a very messed up woman and was WAY before she ever read the Pearls. On the other hand, the Pearls dispense their advice very haph-hazardly. I think that often what they likely *mean* isn’t what comes across. I’ve known families who “use the Pearls” (veeeery mildly speaking) and have happy kids. But I’ve also know three families in real life who “use the Pearls” who start switching their children at 1-2 months for crying, and sometimes seem as if they switch their children for ANY and EVERY thing, and who feel perfectly and totally justified for it.
In all three cases, the adults are a little half-cocked or overzealous…but the Pearls advice is often given in a half-cocked way… I really like what you said, TG, about wishing that the Pearls would really consider their influence when it comes to people who have anger issues and inclinations toward harshness. THere are a LOT of those kinds of poeple…
I thought the Millstones article was fantastic. It hit the nail on the head.
Holding the child down with force? Defeating his will? Oh my.
Why do people feel the need to not use their own “common sense”? Maybe because it isn’t so common I guess. I have often thought when reading parenting books”I don’t agree with that”. Take what you can use, and leave the rest. I am sure the Pearls have a few good things to say, but for crying out loud, use the sense God gave you. Thankfully that baby is in Jesus’ safe arms now.
Love the new site btw.
tia
You know, there’s nothing we can do to help this little boy, but there are other abused and neglected children out there who we CAN help. Get involved in your local CASA, volunteer your time to give those kids a voice, get involved in their lives and give them a fighting chance. That’s a wonderful way to remember Sean and kids like him.
I second the CASA recommendation. There is also a great need for foster parents.
We live in a broken-down world affected by sin. We cannot prevent every tragedy, but we can help out in our little corner of the world.
As for the Pearls, I agree that while they can’t take full and total blame–all religious “teachers” need to be very careful as to what they are teaching. False prophets are held accountable in Scripture and imo, this applies to the Pearls.
Yeah, the vigorous rhetorical violence of a selection like that is pretty distasteful, to say the least.
I imagine the authors would say that they were trying to reinforce the will to discipline for parents who, cowed into excessive permissiveness by social pressure, were being defeated in their loving discipline by defiance in their children? Pretty dangerous to pull out that rhetoric, though.
At some point, though, parents will have to grapple with the problem of defiance, and while they should do their best to avoid a battle of wills, certainly for the safety and good of the child (and the whole family) they will have to ensure the child does not pitch and win such battles?
I just have no words. I am deeply saddened that this kind of thing is done in the name of Christian parenting.
The problem is that people nowadays have become too polite, in that we are unwilling to call a nut a nut.
In the name of openmindedness and political correctness, we are willing to give an ear to even the most extreme childrearing theories, and mothers today use their innocent children as guinea pigs, trying out things which their grandmothers would have dismissed as being pure nonsense.
The Pearls, Ted Tripp, and the like are crackpots, unscrupulous nuts who are getting rich by selling books to young women who would be better off asking advice of their grandmothers and great grandmothers.
Hi there. Just read your “About” description — we also have four boys, are Reformed in our theology and worldview, and desire to return overseas, preferably East Asia but wherever God calls. DH is active duty army, and we don’t homeschool anymore but do parent as if we did. My daughter is an awesome ally in this many-men home.
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