The Perfect Family
Posted by TulipGirl | Under Christianity and the Church, GFI / Ezzo / Babywise, Nurturing Children, Pearls / TTUAC / NGJ, Theology for Girls Tuesday Jun 10, 2008“Paddock’s siblings and the daughters in the foster home where social workers placed Paddock described her as timid and shy. They said she had a tendency to follow the lead of others and never stuck up for herself.
Judy Blazek, one of the daughters in the foster home where Paddock was sent at age 14, said that it didn’t surprise her that Paddock would discipline her children following the instruction of a minister who wrote about child rearing.
Paddock “wanted her family to be perfect. So she would pretty much follow any book or any suggestion that you gave her on helping these children through life. I see her spanking them to get them to be perfect.”
Reported by Mandy Locke
How many times have we as loving, Christian mothers wanted our “family to be perfect”?
Even when we know that we are not, cannot be perfect–what is it in us that desires for that perfection in our families? A desire to measure up? Measure up to our churches’ standards, our subculture’s standards, our own internalized standards?
Seeking that idealized family, how many of us have turned to the Pearls, the Ezzos, the Phillips, the Bauchams. . . or whoever currently has a voice and paints a pretty picture of an ideal family?
Not that we shouldn’t seek encouragement. . . certainly we have much to learn from one another, especially from those who have been there, done that and gone the distance.
But it is so easy to become entangled in the yoke of bondage, enslaved to ideals devised by men and women. We seek perfection, instead of the Perfect One. We want to earn approval, at the least from ourselves–and isn’t that in reality trying to earn approval from God?
We are called to raise our children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. This is a good thing. But when a good thing becomes an ultimate thing, as Tim Keller describes, it become an idol.
As well meaning as Lynn Paddock is. . . as well meaning as Michael Pearl is. . . isn’t this the heart of the issue? The idolatry of the “perfect family” removing our focus from Christ?
May we all take heed. Repent. Know that we don’t have to “measure up” or have the “perfect family,” because Christ and His righteousness are already ours, by His amazing grace. May we rest in Him in our daily struggles as families, growing closer to Him and each other.
I wish I had time to add more than an ‘Amen’ to this observation. Perhaps your readers have learned to take you seriously. If not, hear what is here said. To raise a god-honoring family is a worthy goal. But it is a goal that few of us embrace. As a pastor I stumbled along THINKING that was what I was seeking, but in reality, I was after a ‘Randy-honoring family’. My decisions were based more on what might look good for me and not what was ultimately best for my kids. This was not consciously done, but that is what makes it so deadly. And God had to break me. And that was painful. And I’ve a long way to go. I had to go to each of my older children and explain what I had learned and ask their forgiveness. In our house, we speak of Dad1.0 and Dad2.0. I’m Dad2.0 now, but still and always in a beta version.
You have said so eloquently here what it took some dark nights for me to learn. I just pray that there are those out there listening carefully.
Thank you for your encouragement. I have struggled with this. I still do struggle with this.
Throughout our time with MTW, Dr. Kooistra’s constant refrain to go back to the Gospel for ourselves was what I needed to hear. God in His sovereign way orchestrated the circumstances for the reality lessons to go along with that.
And I’m still learning. . . imperfectly. (Ask my kids!)
Such an excellent post. Thanks.
I second Randy. I’m a Mom2.0 now. And the above thoughts took some dark nights to learn for me, too. I meant well. But I was so wrong. It was an idol.
Oh yes. It’s worse for pastor’s families who feel like they must have the “perfect” family or there are plenty of people who will share their opinions about it. The pressure is immense. I can’t win for trying sometimes: I keep my toddler in prayer meeting and try to discipline her to be quiet and still, but then people can’t hear. I take her out because she’s being loud, and I’m not teaching her how to sit still and rewarding her behavior. *sigh*
Granted I am still a “new” mom as my son is only a year old, but I just can’t fathom trying to create perfect children. I am far from perfect, so why would I expect my offspring to be? It’s in them seeing my flaws and failures, how I handle them, how I can again and again point them to the cross, that I can truly teach and raise them in God and be certain I’ve done what I was called to do, and they’ll have eternity to thank me.
Julie,
Who am I to speak here? Only you can determine what is best for your kids. But that is what you need to be encouraged to do. Why must you have a toddler in a prayer meeting? I don’t know you or your situation, but sometimes as ‘pastor parents’ we allow the expectations of our congregations to set the agenda for what we do with our children. Perhaps for this child, it is better for you to not go to prayer meeting. If you are there because a ‘good pastor’s family’ is at everything, the temptation will be to be there even if being there is not in the best interest of you and your child. We want to look like good parents, when perhaps the really good parent thing is to stay home where she can be a toddler and not a model citizen. Does that make sense? Please forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn.
There is so much that can be said on this subject! I totally agree with you. There is a lot of “gray” area in parenting, and your gray is bound to make someone disagree.
To pick one particular area that I had to put reality before other’s expectations is the idea of keeping young kids in the church service versus nursery/children’s church. I was raised in a conservative homeschool movement that taught that kids should behave well enough to be in the service. Well, once my kids could move and make noise, I realized that I was spending all of the service focused on discipline and worrying if they were being bothersome to others, rather than actually hearing the sermon! Then it struck me, “How can this be God’s BEST?!” Nursery/children’s church are not from the devil. I’m not sinning if I let my children learn about the Lord at their capacity and me at mine. (Just an example from my own experience.)
Also, how can we tell our children about the need for a Savior’s grace and tremendous sacrifice on our behalf, if we can be “perfect” from our own efforts? Isn’t that what we are saying, when we discipline to the extreme and expect impossible obedience? “You can always be obedient if you just choose to be.” Have we forgotten Adam and Eve?
Just some of my thoughts and feelings on this topic. I am by NO means an expert (just ask my kids
) I pray constantly for God to work in my children’s lives in spite of me. Heavens knows I need all the grace I can get! 
Thanks for writing about this TG–it needs attention.
I just found out a few weeks ago that my newest daughters (legally a week from today!! yeah!) were spanked by their former foster parents.
The State knew about it and “talked” to them about it–but that was it.
It is not illegal to spank, but for foster parents–it breaks the contract you sign with the State.
I should state that my girls were victims of sexual and physical abuse prior to be placed in foster care.
Anyways, we need to talk about how children are treated overall in the church and society.
They are the weakest among us–they deserve our attention….
Julie,
Oh man, can I ever resonate with what you wrote.
That was me.
For what it’s worth, if I had it to do over again, I would happily just be ME, and not give a rip about what the congregation thought about it.
I found out LATER, after we’d decided to leave and were no longer “in the ministry,” that some of the moms were AFRAID of me. Why? Because I seemed so perfect, and so did my kids (when we first started, I only had a one year old, and she was trained to sit quiet and still, etc).
They didn’t feel comfortable being themselves around me, because of the image I projected. I can’t tell you how sad I was to learn that… Here I thought I was making them all happy by trying to always look happy and all together (and keeping my kids in a state of perfection), and come to find out, the younger moms just wanted a real live person (who wasn’t performing for everyone to try and gain acceptance) to love them, NOT mrs. perfect youth pastor’s wife.
There will ALWAYS be those who will tut-tut over any percieved imperfection. But who cares about them. Good grief, they’ll tut tut about ANYTHING (you can NEVER make them happy, I now understand). The fun ones, though, the happy ones, the hurting ones—they just need someone who is REAL. Someone who’s toddler makes noises during a meeting. Someone who isn’t afraid to smile when she’s happy and look sad when she’s not. Someone who loves her kids and doesn’t try to make them perform for other people’s whims.
I wish I would have known that then.
Former minister’s wife…
OMG! That was great! Can I link to it on my blog?? Pretty please??
I tried posting yesterday but it didn’t work…
Randy, you articulated my struggle each week. I want to show the congregation that I’m committed to the church and faithful in attendance. You know how discouraging it can be when you’re the pastor’s family and it seems no one else is on board? If I were any other young mother, there would be a nursery provided…
Anyway, Molly I’ve also been burned by being TOO real so that people exploit it. I truly feel like often I can’t win. I don’t think people realize who prone to despair pastor’s wives are.
Hey, if there’s a gender restriction on this blog, I’ll happily back out… I’m noticing that I’m, uh, in the minority.
Julie, I was on the phone today with a dear friend from Chicago. He does not pastor a church, but his ministry takes him to many churches and he spends time with many faithful men, often in small churches where faithfulness matters but is often unrecognized and unrewarded. He used to say that being a pastor is the hardest job in the world. Today he said that being a pastor is the SECOND hardest job in the world. The hardest, he said, was being a single parent. Can’t argue with him there. But, I did suggest to him that being a pastor cannot claim second spot. If being a single parent is the hardest job in the world, then being a pastor’s wife is the second hardest. I don’t need to explain or defend that comment. You understand.
You are in such a difficult setting. Your heart is to support your church and to support your husband’s ministry in the light of myriads of unspoken and undoable expectations. Obviously decisions must be made which impact children negatively, no matter what the profession. The military officer accepts deployment, knowing that his children will be in need of him. I think children understand the sacrifices that are made in ministry. And to support your husband and what he is seeking to do to care for this people may require you and your daughter to struggle a bit.
But take the words of this post to heart. Keep a close eye on the choices you make. My sin was that I wanted to be PERCEIVED as having it all together as a family. That sounds awful to confess, but it was subconscious. My delight was in knowing that others thought well of us. When that fell apart (and by God’s grace it did) I was devastated, and the only thing left to do was to cling to Jesus. That’s when I realized that the IDEA of having a perfect family and the ‘adulation’ that that brought was what I really trusted in, not Jesus. At that point, my life was turned on its head, and I’m so thankful. It was at that point that I could look back and see that my choices had not always been the best for my kids because I was worshiping before the wrong God.
It’s a tough road, but TG has given you some great counsel to help navigate these waters.
Okay, backing off and heading off to the ESPN website…
Many, many thanks for your well-worded post. What we all need is a really good dose of GRACE. Thanks for stopping my blog, too; yes, the Wii is very fun! I’m getting ready to purchase their new Fitness program since I really need it and don’t seem motivated to exercise in the heat. I’m glad to be on board with your blog; and new bloggy buddies are fun. When and where were y’all with MTW? Very interestng….as you’ll see in my blog….similiar interests and faith.
Randy if it is any consolation, I read your post to my husband and he grunted appreciatively and chuckled at the Dad1.0 and Dad2.0 in beta. We are older parents of grown up kids, with one teen left at home. TG knows we have been down the same road of regret you speak of, and we’re still in beta version, too.
God bless us one and all.
Tulip, thanks for a great post.
This is a great entry, thanks TulipGirl.
I think it’s sad that people have children to be “perfect”. Children are not “perfect”, just as we are not perfect. There is nothing we can do that can make our children “perfect”. Even if we get our children to change their outwardly appearance to appear to be “perfect” to others, they can never be “perfect”.
Children are children and they are fallen, just as we are. They need the loving discipline of their parents. Equal amounts of love AND discipline. These methods of “child-training” little children into perfect people sound like parents trying to conform children to what they want without looking out for the well-being of the child. Reminds me of that horrible Pearl book.
I love your new look. I haven’t been here for awhile
I do worry about this sometimes. Just because we never live the same life for a few years. I think my children will never have a real identity. We keep changing careers, jobs etc. We put them in school, then homeschool and now they do homeschool and a public school program.
I worry we just aren’t ideal. The worse is I worry if I could just be happy wearing long dresses and looking more “Christians” then my boys will have an easier time finding a good wife. Ugh…so this really hit home.
I wish I could stop. I’ve gotten better, but sometimes it just creeps up on me.
I have been married for 16 years and have 2 precious sons. I was caught up in the motions of church, just going with the flow, waiting for my sons to be grown so I could have a career, etc. My marriage was in pitiful shape and hanging by a thread. Then I was introduced to Mike and Debi Pearl. Just in time! Specifically, to their books To Train Up A Child and Created To Be His Helpmeet. WOW!!! I now relish the time I spend teaching and training my boys every day and I do not look forward to the day they will no longer be in our home. I will miss them so much but I know they will be prepared for making their own decisions and the right choices in this world. Most importantly, they know what God’s Word says and how to find His will for them. It is not my goal to have perfect children or to be commended for their perfect behavior in church or anywhere else. It is my goal to please God first and to teach my children that our true happiness can only be found when we are in His will. Then there’s the issue of that terrible marriage. Words cannot begin to describe the change in our home and family because I read Created To Be His Help Meet and applied it to my heart first. I realized that everything in the book is scripturally based and I would be a fool to argue with God’s Word. I can take different versions of a bible and make an argument for MY wrong ideals on love and marriage. But I can’t argue with the true (only) version from God (KJV) and be right with Him. So when I proved what Mrs. Pearl had written with my Bible, I knew it was God’s will. So I began to apply the teachings to my life and there was an immediate change in me, in our home, our family and my husband as well. He noticed a change right away and things have been different ever since. It has been two years since I first read the book and I have reread it several times since. I have made mistakes and I am certainly not perfect, but the Lord used the Pearls ministry to save our marriage and our family from destruction. I am thankful for their devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. If they were not obedient to Him, where would we be? Not only us, but thousands of other marriages have been restored through their faithful ministry. What a blessing! If you have not read their books, you really should. You will never know what your marriage could be if you don’t read this book and actually practice what it says! You can’t just read it. You HAVE to practice it. My husband is a quiet Mr. Steady and he actually bought a whole case of these books so my friends and family could also benefit from them. That was a small miracle in itself. He is my dream man and he was here all along. I’m sorry for all the time I wasted and missed out on, but I am so thankful to God that He showed me the truth of my purpose-to be a helpmeet for my wonderful, God-given husband. I am not beautiful or skinny or young. But when I see the look in my husband’s eyes for me every day when he comes home, I’m not worried about any of those things. I still have the book, the Lord, my Bible and I know His plan for me. I’m having SO much fun! I’m still practicing and learning to be a good help meet. There’s nothing funnier than seeing my 15-year-old son rolling his eyes when we’re smooching. I think he’s thinking “not again” but he also sees the difference in our whole lives. He knows it’s God. When you put God first, everything else will follow His lead.
By His grace-
“When you put God first, everything else will follow His lead.”
Welp, that one line I can agree with.
Put God and His word first (by knowing what God’s word actually says–being a Berean) and you *will* know when others are um… not following His word.
At least that’s what I’m walking away from this post with. Thanks, TG, for calling a spade a spade. Christ’s righteousness really is already mine. Praise be!
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