Perfectionism and Parenting
Posted by TulipGirl | Under Nurturing Children, Pearls / TTUAC / NGJ Wednesday Jul 2, 2008How can we possibly share in a few short sentences the path the Lord has led our family down over many years? A sound-bite is insufficient to share God’s deep mercies.
Yet, Ann at Holy Experience walks her readers through what the Lord has done in her family’s life in the area of growing beyond perfectionism and embracing the Gospel in parenting.
Just a snippet, but read the whole thing:
Perfectionism
Sometimes we must speak or the stones will cry out. I have cried. It is now time to speak. To speak of our family’s personal experiences applying the teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl. . . .
ALWAYS OBEY—NO MERCY
I am not faithfully, unfailingly obedient. I fail…miserably. Often. You know it, Lord. The letters on the screen eddy in pools of tears, testifying.
Then why did I ever think our children could be perfectly obedient? 100% of the time?
I read and understood:
“If he [disobeys], spring into the room with your little switch and pop him on the bare legs one or two times. No anger on your part—no raised voices. Just make it more pleasant to stay in bed. Never allow him to get his way.… Train them right and they will always obey.” (NGJ, Vol 1, pg 7)
Always? Unwavering obedience? And if not, were more switches were necessary? That seemed to be the Pearl premise.
Do you not train me well enough, Lord? I don’t obey You without fail, Father. And You are an infinitely better Father to me than I am a Mother to these children. Then why did I think I could have “always” obedience from these precious ones? You discipline me, Lord— but always in the context of mercy and love—and a Cross.
Ann V., Holy Experience
Thank you for posting that, Tulip Girl. I’m a former “Pearl parent” who has deeply repented of what I now believe was idolatry on my part. I followed the Pearls and bought their books by the caseload. I thought they were simply saying exactly what the Bible said. I truly truly truly meant well. But I now believe I was very wrong. Worse, I believe my children, particularly the first couple, were psychologically damaged in the “training” process (though I am happily watching God’s grace heal). I meant well. I was loving. But it doesn’t matter if you mean well—good intentions still don’t erase the consequences of harmful methods.
I am so thankful there are voices out there who are kindly but gently speaking out about some very concerning practices being taught as “God’s Way.”
Warmly,
Molly, Mom of Five
I was so struck after reading Ann’s post the other day…and I’m not a Pearl/Ezzo type either…at how much we let get in front of God. How much I let my own expectations get in the way of parenting my kids, and how much I fail to remember God’s unfailing patience, mercy, and love. I see the plank in my own eye, and I am so thankful to you and to Anne and Molly for being willing to kindly, gently speak out on these things!
[...] Perfectionism and Parenting [...]
I was recommended both “Babywise” and TTUAC when I was a younger mother.
Boy, am I glad that there is stuff like this on the web that can give me another viewpoint of this literature and how it is applied.
I’ve read the Pearls’ book online and, although it does have some choice morsels in it, I did not agree with the disciplinary methods involved. I am not anti-spanking either, but I just don’t believe a child needs to be switched before they even are aware of the meaning of “No”. Also, my daughter would not adhere to the Pearls’ standard of a good child. She likes to run around, she wants to be in close proximity to mommy most of the time, she is still very attached to me.
My daughter is not “perfect” but that isn’t my goal. I’m not perfect either. It is by grace and grace alone that I have been sanctified by Christ’s blood. I want to raise my child to know God, to depend on Him, to rely on Him every minute of every day. She will never be “perfect”. I can never teach her to be. No one can ever make themselves perfect. If we could why would we have to depend on God in every instance.
“My daughter is not “perfect” but that isn’t my goal. I’m not perfect either. It is by grace and grace alone that I have been sanctified by Christ’s blood. I want to raise my child to know God, to depend on Him, to rely on Him every minute of every day. She will never be “perfect”. I can never teach her to be. No one can ever make themselves perfect. If we could why would we have to depend on God in every instance.”
Amen.
In response to the “no mercy” comment- the method of child training that the Pearls use is very biblical, and very merciful! Remember, the wages of sin is death! We are lovingly training our children so that self discipline will be easier for them when they are older. I wish I’d been consistently loved, surrounded by joy, filled with the word of God, and yes, spanked consistently, all of which the Pearls teach and advocate. As a fellow perfecitionist, tulipgirl, I understand how their teachings can be misconstrued by my own sin of perfectionism. Lets repent of our sins rather than disparage someone for using a biblical method to love, teach, and train their children.
Holly, perfectionism is such a problem. I am glad you and Tulipgirl could relate and encourage one another on that basis.
But your last sentence opens a new subject and begs the question: is it a biblical method?
I found virtually no biblical argument in To Train up a Child. The method is based on the idea that unwanted behavior can be extinguished by swatting the child every time he makes a false move, from a very early age. This is, precisely, behavioristic conditioning.
By contrast, our Lord God reaches us through relationship and teaching, exhortation, persuasion, warnings, parables. He sent His Son. He gave us His Word. These are not methods of conditioning, but relationship based means of reaching His people and helping them find and take the right path.
Someone at this point usually says, well He allows consequences to flow into our lives from poor choices.
That is true. That’s not the same as behavioristic conditioning. God deals with us on such a different basis. If lightning bolts hit us when we got off a path we could not see–that would be like the Pearl’s and their idea of swatting a baby with a dowel when he tries to crawl up the stairs. How we would jump and fear to take a step in ANY direction if God dealt with us that way.
But that is not God’s way at all. He reaches us cognitively–through our minds. He reaches our hearts and our consciences.
He TEACHES us the right path. He gives us his word to be a lamp unto our feet. He comes to us himself in Jesus. So I don’t see how this idea of ‘training’ (which is Pearl’s word for conditioning) can be called biblical.
Grace and peace and truth to you,
Kathy
First, I want to thank you for the gentleness of your response in the e-mail you sent me earlier. It could be very easy for us, with differing opinions, to be harsh with one another. You asked about my comment that the Pearl’s methods are biblical. In psalms it says “the rod and reproof bringeth correction” and there are several other verses about the rod including “he that spareth the rod hateth his son.”
I know in my own walk with the Lord, amidst the loving relationship, gentle teaching, comfort, and healing which He has ministered to me, I have also experienced painful consequences to my sinful actions. It brings conviction when I am not paying attention, or I am being selfish. It is a spiritual “spank.” David said, “thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” It is comforting to know that the Lord will always lead and chasten those who are his.
The way I see it, the various ways the Lord relates to his people in scripture and in my life, shows that the Pearl’s teaching on child training is very biblical. Yes, there is a focus on the type of training that could also be labled conditioning, because there is a need to teach young parents about it. There is also a need to teach young parents about joy and tying strings of fellowship, which the Pearls also do. In fact, they emphatically state many times that training without joy is tyrrany, just as parenting without training is chaos.
It certainly takes more than “the rod” to train up a child. Love, comfort, communication, protection, provision, joy, fun, work, routine, these are all part of training, and so is the rod, as the Lord makes clear in his Holy Scriptures. “Let the Lord be true, and every man a liar.”
Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will be your delight.
Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisedom, but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame (of course I’m not implying that anyone is totally leaving their children to themselves, but obviously from this scripture, the rod is an important part of it).
Proverbs 19:18 Chasten your son while there is yet hope.
And to give practical application and guidance to a parent’s use of the rod:
Proverbs 22:8b the rod of his angry outburst will fail
Prv 29:22 Angry people stir up strife; hot tempered people commit many sins.
I don’t believe anyone, especially the Pearls, is implying that any one particular technique or aspect of the parent-child relationship is “the thing.” As in, the only really important part of parenting. And I would like to report that my relationship with my children is much more restful and enjoyable because they are generally obedient. We have lots more pleasant interaction than families where the children are often unhappy because they think they should get whatever they want all the time, and of course, it is never enough. We don’t have to deal with temper tantrums, excessive whinyness, or the constant threats to the safety of my children due to the fact that they are not self- constrained and I can’t stay “on top” of all three of them at once.
We work, play, sing, hug, read, eat, pray, discuss, and have a very meaningful relationship. All of this is training. Some of it is conditioning. A very small part of that is the use of the rod, which, I am convinced by scripture that it is necessary and good for my children, when used in the proper manner.
I would also like to add, to my already very long comment
, that perfectionism is a sin. Setting up the Pearls or their teaching as the be all and end all of our lives, or assuming that if we robotically apply their principals in a spirit of religiosity and legalsim, is idolatry. But those things are the sins of those who commit them, not the Pearl’s. I have been grossly guilty of idolatry in many areas.
It is possible, for example, even to make serving others an idol, as though it makes us more holy when only the righteousness of Christ can make us holy. We make an idol of ourselves if we do this. Does this mean we should stop serving people altogether? Of course not. We would need to step back, pray to God for discernment, repent, pray for healing, confess our sins to one another, and pursue true holiness, which is in selfless love of God and neighbor, and humility. Then we could step back into serving others.
It is the same with the biblical use of the rod, as the Pearls teach it.
And I am a huge advocate of gently nurturing children. Jesus didn’t take the child from the crowd and first spank him (although he would have deserved it- as would all of us), he took him on his lap. Oh, what joy, to be taken on the lap of the savior as a child! He does this for us when he saves us. There is a time of gentleness and sweetness, of being bathed in truth and joy. But what inevitably happens? We sin. We fall. Is there forgiveness? Always! Are there consequences to our sin? Yes. And natural consequences are not enough for our children, otherwise scripture would not teach the use of the rod.
Blessings to you sisters, and grace in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Regretfully, I don’t have time to expound further. . . but I feel I need to clarify that the concerns about the Pearls are far beyond “rod” issues or “spanking” issues.
I plan to comment more fully later, but as I cannot at the moment. . .
Grace and peace,
TG
Holly, I know the Pearls include a lot of nice things in their instructions and have a lot of good and insightful things to say about parenting.
But there are some strong and valid concerns about the tone and recommendations in To Train Up a Child which are not about “the rod” or “spanking” per se, although clearly there is some overlapping concern on the part of *some* critics.
Many Christian parenting authors recommend children be spanked. Those authors don’t provoke the kind of concern the Pearls do. Why not?
One father of 5 who is a dear friend of mine and a leader in the homeschool community in my area, agrees with your interpretation of the rod verses in Proverbs. But when he heard Michael Pearl in a homeschool conference session demonstrating and/or vividly describing a spanking technique, it bothered my friend so much he got up and left. Now this is a father who spanks. Why did this bother him so much?
What do you make of the story in To Train up a Child, where a friend’s two year old hits her with a plastic toy tool, so Debi Pearl picks up a similar toy and hits him with it, escalating with harder and harder hits when he hit her again? I found that description absolutely appalling!
This is not any kind of “rod” by any biblical definition. And this is not “spanking” by any normal definition.
Most experienced parents would take the toy away from the toddler and instruct him not to hit or rebuke him.
Taking away a mishandled object, rebuking an error, giving instruction to someone who needs it–all these have more biblical warrant as consequences than getting hit with a toy.
Another area of difference between the Pearls ideas and other Christian teachers who recommend spanking. Most of them teach that spanking should be boundaried by some criteria, such as that the child has to be a certain age, and that the offense has to rise to a certain level of seriousness. The Pearls do not recommend these boundaries. It doesn’t seem biblical to me to advocate swatting babies for things like climbing up a stair, or pushing a dish of food away when finished with it.
Do the rod verses support spanking babies? It’s hard to say. The Hebrew language has words to denote babies and very young tots, and those words were not selected by the writer. Rather, the word that was chosen usually denotes an older child, a “youth” or a young servant.
Do the rod verses support the kind of conditioning that Pearl advocates? I haven’t looked at that specifically. In general the Lord does not use behavioral conditioning to train his people, but gives instructions they can understand cognitively. In almost all situations where he does enact judgment against his people, people had plenty of chances to obey. In places where people are disciplined, they understood the Law and heard about the consequences of not obeying and/or had a lifetime of experience with God.
But that is not true of the baby and toddlers that get swatted in Pearl’s training/conditioning sessions.
Also since the rod verses describe a rod usage that leaves stripes on the skin and is severe enough that parents need reassuring that it won’t kill their child, it is reasonable to presume that such severity of punishment is matched to a pretty severe offense.
Those are some of my concerns about ways in which the Pearls go beyond normal Christian teaching on spanking and do not, in fact, conform their ideas to the biblical teaching on the rod.
Thank you for the opportunity to explain my thoughts on this.
Kathy
Tulipgirl
I find the pearls to be wonderful examples of godly parents. They dearly love their children and want them to grow up as wise and obedient followers of God. And all 5 of them have. For them to give advise on how they raised 5 godly children to those of us who had no godly example is wonderful.
I think it is important to not idolize anyone whether it is from the spanking set or the not spanking set.
The Lord God is our example. He did say Spare the Rod spoil the child and do not provoke your children to anger. I think as christian parents we need to balance out what the scriptures say.
God is a God of love and justice. Also the spanking isn’t just on a whim hit the kid becasue you are angry. That is abuse. But lovingly spanking a child who is willfully disobedient is something else.
Blessings on your parenting journey!