Listening, Hearing
Posted by TulipGirl | Under Family Journal, Listening, Theology for Girls Friday Mar 27, 2009How does technology (internet, cell phones, etc…) affect community and relationships? That was the theme we discussed this week at our community philosophy/conversation group.
We didn’t dive as deeply as I would have liked into one of the points brought up — the way the internet provides a paradox of anonymity and intimacy, exhibitionism and privacy.
In spite of being a very private person, I tend to connect easily with people when first meeting. I don’t think I’m an exhibitionist online, but I do try to cultivate transparency here and in my online relationships. I want to protect my family’s privacy, while being the same person in my community as I am online. Some things are easier to be open about, some things are wiser to be guarded about. Yet, I’m really me — online or in person.
So that is the context of some of the internal dialogue I’ve had the last few days about the latest change in our lives. I think that writing about it now will make it easier for the future. But I still wonder — is this exhibitionist or attention seeking? That’s not me, that’s not what I want. But this is a new path we’re on with a whole new set of ideas and new vocabularies and new challenges, and so. . . here I am.
When I went to the doctor this week, I was expecting to hear something along the lines of, “Yes, your symptoms are real and not all in your head. . . but they are within normal limits and so you’ll need to just continue to function as you have been.”
Instead. . .
“You have hearing loss, an unusual amount for your age. You’ve known for awhile, haven’t you? The pattern indicates it is most likely genetic.”
“Not too many rock concerts as a kid?”
“Not too many concerts. You have moderate mid to high frequency sensorineural hearing loss. And I need to tell you, you will need hearing aids.”
.
I’ve known for awhile that my hearing isn’t the greatest. It hasn’t been a big deal. I thought it was normal not-great hearing. I thought that I was functioning pretty well. After being told that definitely have hearing loss, hearing loss beyond simply needing some occupational therapy help, I’ve started noticing how many accommodations we’ve already been making and how much it has been impacting my family and those around me.
“What did you say?” “Excuse me?” “Would you repeat that?” “I’m a visual learner. . . would you spell your name so I can remember it?” How may times a week, a day do I say those things? Hubby is used to it, and we’re in good patterns of communicating. But now that I know I really do have hearing loss, I’m noticing just how often I need things repeated or clarified.
Medium and large groups are hard for me. I used to think it was I was an introvert who likes people and has good people skills. I still think I am — but I wonder how much of my hearing loss has shaped the social groups I like best? A large conference is fine; I enjoy the stimulation of ideas and most discussions end up being one-on-one with others. A very small group is fine, I can watch people talk and interact. I’m slow to jump into group discussions, but I can participate. But a medium group? Some family gatherings, some activities? Restaurants, clubs, noisy groups? Exhausting. In Ukraine, it was always easier to have people in our home than go to someone else’s home. I chalked that up to my personality. Maybe it was the hearing dynamic as well?
Speaking of Ukraine. . . It was hard for me to struggle so much with Russian. I did well in school; I like to think of myself as reasonably intelligent. And yet, learning Russian was very, very hard for me. Going to my tutor was hard — it was all conversational practice. I would tell my Russian friends that I “listened slowly” and had to have them repeat a lot of things. It was always easier when they spoke English to me (even beginner English) and I spoke Russian to them. In retrospect, hearing loss helps explain one part of why Russian was such a challenge. Not only was it a new language, but it was already hard for me to hear and understand all language.
Funny example? We had an ongoing discussion with teammates one day that talked about an acquaintance who was a Communist. In actuality, he had recently realized he was a Calvinist.
Hubby and I watch “our shows” online, mostly on hulu.com . When we lived in Ukraine we hosted the “American Film Club,” which included English movies for language learners. We tried to get high-quality pirated movies, so they would have subtitles for our students. Since then, I’ve always asked Hubby to turn on subtitles or closed captioning, so I could more easily follow the dialogue. Hubby would tease me about being his “sweet deaf baby.” Little did he know how true that was! *laugh* He’s kind of self-conscious about that now, but it is a long-standing term of endearment between us.
“If you want to talk to Mommy, you need to come to me!” How many times have I yelled at told the kids that? And now I’m wondering whether J12 and T11 are doing “normal” tween/teen mumbling and fast talking — or whether it is just me?
It makes a difference whether whether I can see someone or not when I’m talking to them. I can hear sound, but without being able to see faces, mouths and expressions, I can’t always hear them. Which, I guess is why I feel like I can’t understand anything around me with my glasses off.
I thought the “smile-and-nod” was a cross-cultural accommodation in Ukraine. When I didn’t understand what the heck was going on, staying pleasant and quiet was my default. I do that a lot even in the States. I think it is because I really don’t always understand what is going on.
I’ve been told that once I start using hearing aids, I’ll be surprised at how much I’ve been missing, how it will be easier for me than older people to adjust to having them, how much less tired and stressed I’ll be at the end of the day, how much less work it will be to communicate.
I’ve also been told to remember they are helpful tools, but that communication is really going to require the cooperation of those around me, especially with my Hubby and kids. I’ve been told people will think hearing aids will magically give me back my hearing, but that it will still take a lot of work to communicate. I’ve been told that hearing loss is an invisible disability, and so many times people won’t understand.
I’ve had just enough of a glimpse to know that we’re on a whole new journey. I’m a bit apprehensive. I don’t know where this will take us, just that it is a strange and new path ahead.
Several times I’ve read aloud to the boys “Little Pilgrim’s Progress,” the Helen Taylor adaption of John Bunyan’s classic. The image of Little Christian along the path the Celestial Kingdom comes to mind. It was a path that Little Christian knew nothing about, but one God designed. Every temptation and struggle Little Christian faced, God was with him. Sovereign.
Thanks for listening, for hearing my heart.
Oh my gosh, you sound like you’ve been reading my mind! In the last year or so I began to wonder if I should see a doctor and consider hearing aids, but then I decided against it — phooey on all this relying on technology; everyone gets hard of hearing as they age — but lately I’ve been thinking it’s probably rude of me not to make use of a tool that will help others. I know I miss things a lot. I tell people “I hear slowly.” My family is not allowed to speak to anyone (especially me) unless they can see the whites of their eyes.
I could go on and on but I don’t mean to steal your blog.
You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll be praying for you and your family.
*hugs*
Oh, and I wouldn’t have thought that hearing aids would help — I don’t need things louder, just clearer, and for everything I’m trying not to listen to to be quieter.
I know you are still processing and adjusting to all of this, but I am just fascinated to read about your experience. My dh is actually an introvert who very selectively listens, I *think*… honestly sometimes I feel like he doesn’t hear me at all. I know for a fact he doesn’t hear that well in his right ear. His grandmother has been fairly hard-of-hearing for a number of years, and about a decade ago finally got a hearing aide. She still doesn’t hear that well even WITH it, but she wouldn’t understand anything without it. (It’s amazing she even got it at all, considering they are Christian Scientist… she fought it for many, many years but got tired of my FIL yelling at her all the time, I think…)
Anyway, wondering if I should encourage J to get his hearing tested… he is very particular about how loud music/tv/headphones are for our girls, concerned about hearing loss, so maybe he’s more concerned about it than he lets on… hmmm..
Thank you for writing about this. I saw myself in this post. I’ve been worried about whether I may be beginning to experience hearing loss, but reading your experience makes me wonder if it’s farther along than I suspected.
You have described your coping mechanisms (and your family’s) and I see so much that is similar. I’m going to make an appointment.
Like Kelly, I think it’s time for me to have my hearing checked.
Hugs to you, friend. I imagine that was hard to share, and maybe will be hard to wear, but I hope you do it. If anyone can pull off hearing aids with style it will without a doubt be you!
I hope they help you in a huge way. I hope you don’t stop sharing. I’ve never once thought you to be an exhibitionist.
Never once.
Forgive me for not expressing my concern for you! I hit the button before I meant to.
I am sorry that you have this challenge before you, but I thankful that you have such a loving and supportive family. God’s grace, mercy, and blessing to you is evident and through you He has blessed me.
Thank you for your encouragement.
I can see how the Lord has already prepared us for this. . . My cousin, the same age as I am, has already gone down this path. Though the audiologist suggested that this is likely genetic, ironically my cousin and I are not blood-related.
She’s already been a big help, as has diber (she knows a lot more about this that I do!), Hubby, and my extended family.
I just wanted to comment on one thing that I think is very common in people with hearing loss. Medium-large group settings are notoriously hard. My sister is profoundly deaf in one ear and she often has this blank look/pleasantly interested in a non-committal look whenever it’s a group of people talking. She will often just blank out what’s going on around her and retreat to her inner world because it’s just plain old easier than having to work so hard at differentiating what others are saying. It’s interesting how it’s affected your perception of your personality from your experiences in group settings. I hope the transition to coping with your new label of having hearing loss goes smoothly. *hugs*
Thank you for sharing this. I know this is going to be my story as well. I watched my mother and my grandmother with hearing loss.
Thanks for sharing this, tulipgirl. I have wondered many times since coming to Ukraine if I am going deaf. I just don’t hear the sounds that make up some of the Russian language. I also cannot understand Russian if more than one person is talking, which makes going to a home/group difficult. I watch peoples eyes, mouths and gestures a LOT to understand. Even with English speakers now I have a hard time ‘hearing’ if there are a lot of kids making noise or whining. I feel like a curmudgeon at times :???: , asking people to quiet down so I can hear! Mel had his hearing tested a few years ago – maybe it’s my turn now (his was fine at that time, by the way, altho it is a genetic problem in his family, too). I have never gone to loud concerts, nor do I enjoy loud music. Silence or the sounds of nature are my loves! Oh my.
{{{Hug}}} I have a friend that went through this experience a couple of years ago and her comments were similar to yours. When my allergies are bothering me I have similar problems–I feel like I’m in a kind of bubble that impedes my hearing. Reading your post nudges me to consider what I’ve been resisting–allergy shots.
My daughter-in-law recently mentioned her grandmother’s hearing aids. I’ve known her grandmother for 5+ years now and never knew she wore hearing aids! Apparently they are quite small these days!
Praying you will have a smooth transition and even some unexpected blessings from this new journey,
Laurie
This is a test. My browser was not letting me post earlier.
Thank you for sharing you heart as to the challenge you’re facing. You have my prayers as you adjust to this news. Your comments will be an encouragement to my sister who is deaf in one ear and faces the loss of her hearing in the other due to Meniere’s Disease, an inner ear disorder.
Gail, you aren’t the only one who has had trouble posting. . . I wonder whether it is on my end?
Cindie, I wonder where / how you would get tested in Kherson?
Everyone, thank you for the continued encouragement.
Thank you. Your honesty is good – hopefully somewhat therapeutic for you? It will definitely be a process accepting loss in this way. I’ll be thinking of you.
I think the problem posting was a Firefox thing. We had to reinstall Java Script
Sweetie !((((((HUGS)))))
My sweet dh has moderate hearing loss, thanks to years of being an Artillery officer. He’s learned to adapt, but it’s not always easy. I know you’re praying about this..and for ways to help you ‘hear’ better.
Love you, sweetie.
No words, just a hug or two coming you way.
{{{}}} {{{}}}
A beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your struggles.
THANKS FOR SH–I mean, thanks for sharing this. A little all-caps humor, there; couldn’t resist.
I would love to hear more as your journey unfolds, so please do keep us posted!
It seems like you are processing what could feel like devastating news with a “peace that passes understanding” kind of perspective. I am eager to read about what your “new life” is like, so look forward to your continued transparency, which is an encouragement to others who may go through something like this, whether it be with hearing loss or other physical limitations. You are an amazing person whom I wish I could know face-to-face.
TG –
I just prayed for God’s comfort and peace for you and your family as you begin this journey. Thanks for sharing with us.
A hug to you…I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
Man – I don’t check in often enough! thanks so much for sharing this, dear friend. Hugs to you. Lots and lots of hugs and love.
[...] I called my grandmother the other day to talk with her about my hearing loss. [...]
Thanks for sharing this. I am profoundly deaf in one ear and have severe hearing loss in my “good” ear. I was able to get a hearing aid for my “good” ear about ten years ago, and it has changed my life. Once I got the hearing aid, I started to wonder how much of my personality was directly related to my inability to hear–my introversion, my ability to focus on something and not be distracted, even my preference for male teachers, whose voices were lower and easier to understand.
Someone mentioned that they can hear things, but that they just need things to be “clearer.” I can hear people perfectly fine without the hearing aid. It’s just that they sound a little like the adults on Charlie Brown. With the hearing aid, it’s like their words suddenly have distinct edges.
I’m sorry you are having to go through this, but I am so thankful that you have been diagnosed now rather than later as needing hearing aids. They are wonderful tools, and you’ll be amazed at how they change things. If you wear glasses, try to remember the first time you every put on a pair–how it seemed like a whole new world. I found the hearing-aid experience similar.
I’ve written a little (not a lot) on my deafness and on getting a new, digital hearing aid last year. If you’re interested in reading it, you can find my posts here: http://asortofnotebook.blogspot.com/search/label/deafness.
Good luck and God bless!
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Hi TulipGirl, thanks for sharing all of this. I just wrote a long comment and it didn’t show up, so maybe this one will work. :)
When I was a young teenager, I was told I needed hearing aids. I didn’t want them–you can imagine how “embarrassing” that would be for a 13-year-old. So I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” and went on with my life.
When I was 29, I finally got a hearing aid–just one, for my “good” ear, as my “bad” ear was so deaf that even a hearing aid wouldn’t help. I couldn’t believe how profoundly it changed my life. I thought back on my life and how my hearing loss had affected things–my introversion, my shyness, the type of people I chose to be around, etc. In college, I tried to pick male teachers when I could–because their voices were easier to understand!
Without hearing aids, I can hear people’s voices, but I can’t understand them; they sound kind of like the adults on “Charlie Brown” cartoons. With the hearing aid, it’s like the edges of the words sharpen and come into focus. It really is amazing.
When I was 37, I accidentally stepped on the hearing aid I’d worn for nearly a decade and broke it. It couldn’t be fixed. I didn’t have money to buy a new one for almost a year and a half. When I did get a new one, I got a digital hearing aid … oh, my. It’s amazing.
My hearing still isn’t perfect (remember, I just have one “good” ear), but it’s so nice now to be able to participate in conversations while in restaurants, or to hear the birds singing or the wind whistling (things I’d never heard in my pre-hearing aid days).
I’m sorry that you are having to go through this, but I’m thankful that you’ve been diagnosed and now know that you will need hearing aids. They aren’t cheap by any stretch (mine took a full year of payments), but they are worth every penny.
I’ve written a little bit about my hearing loss, and my new hearing aid on my blog. Here is a link, if you’re interested: http://asortofnotebook.blogspot.com/search/label/deafness. Also, feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk to another relatively young person who has experience with both hearing loss and hearing aids.
Take care, and God bless!
Have an ENT do a complete analysis before you go to an Audiologist for H-aids.
I’ve learned that if you under stimulate your hearing center in the brain, then the brain’s ability to hear (undrstand) atrophies and can not be revived.
Be well.
Just another suggestion. You do not need it today, but teach the boys sign language in their schooling and yourself with them. I took care of too many patients whose hearing aids failed them and they were cut off of communication with loved ones when they became sick and could not write.
How are things going with the hearing aids? Have they really made a difference? Like I said earlier, I wouldn’t have thought they’d help this kind of problem. I had thought that hearing aids only made things louder, not necessarily clearer.