Ezzo Week 2010: Along the GFI Way
Posted by TulipGirl | Under GFI / Ezzo / Babywise Tuesday Jul 13, 2010The Ezzo.info website has a great collection of stories from Babywise/Ezzo/GFI families on the Voices of Experience page. These stories represent a range of families — families who utilized Ezzo parenting ideas motivated by religious conviction, who simply wanted to Babywise their infants to get the promised sleeping through the night, or who were looking for some practical ideas for toddlers.
Of these stories, I’ve found especially valuable reading the reflections from the families with older children, those who stayed the course and truly understood and implemented the Ezzo materials as intended. One example of this is ChewyMom and her family. ChewyMom was qualified as what is termed a “Contact Mom.” These Contact Moms are not directly related to to Growing Families International, but are under the umbrella of a sister-organization. (This is a little confusing, I know — my understanding is this division is related to legal liability and tax reasons, so the Contact Moms can be part of a legally recognized 501(c)3 nonprofit while Gary Ezzo’s organization is a for-profit “ministry”.) But the Contact Moms program — about which we’ll be talking later this week — are comprised of the mothers who are recognized as knowing, understanding, and utilizing the material with such proficiency that they are recommended to new Ezzo moms to provide support and advice. Clearly, anyone qualified to be a Contact Mom is speaking from “the inside” of the Ezzo philosophical mindset.
I’d encourage you to read through the series ChewyMom wrote on her journey through Ezzo parenting and what she learned along the way. I think you’ll find great encouragement whether you are a new moms starting out or if you are reflecting on your parenting years.
How I Got Involved with GFI
Why I Loved GFI
Becoming a Contact Mom for GFI
Red Flags with GFI
Disassociating Myself from the Ezzos and GFI
My Parenting Post-GFI
In a similar vein, other mothers have written on Ezzo parenting from a “gone the distance” perspective. This includes another contact mom, Laurie, who has a collection of essays she wrote partly while she was utilizing during her Ezzo years and a few from shortly thereafter.
Kim had older children when she started to pull from the Ezzo parenting philosophy. Her posts are less of a chronology of events than Chewy’s but very clearly illustrate the impact of these ideas:
The Right Equipment
Random Thoughts on Mothering
Merciful Parenting
And again, I invite you to read through the archives of the Ezzo.info Voices of Experiences collection, and if you want to tell your story, you can email the editor (who isn’t me!) at ezzo.info AT gmail DOT com.
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This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2010 series. As a reminder, we are looking closely at a set of ideas, or “philosophy” as Gary Ezzo terms it – but not being critical of parents who are raising their children with love and the resources which they have.
Hi… i had just found your website (i dont remember how) and am really quite surprised by the responses/testimonials on your “voices of experiences” page. I have implemented babywise since birth with my daughter (now 14 months) and love it.
I think what frustrates me so much about these testimonials is that people badmouth these books when what they need to do is realize that they were depending SOLELY on a book, and not on their own common sense to raise their kids. The ezzo’s consistently say that you CANNOT look to the -wise series as an “if X, then Y” solution finder. That each child is different. That they will hit growth spurts and will need feedings closer together. That baby should ALWAYS eat when hungry, but that over time they should regulate a normal eating pattern (just as adults do). Its sad to me that people lack common sense and blame it on a book.
Kelly-I think that the reason why it strikes such passion in people is not because they failed to use common sense and only followed the book, but because it implied often thru the material that their way is “God’s Way” and if you aren’t following their “rules” you are out of line with God’s will for your life and the lives of your children. I never used the Babywise materials, as my children were toddlers when we did the Growing Kid’s God’s Way class. There is a LOT of good, Biblical instruction in the Ezzo parenting material, BUT then there is a lot that is NOT Biblical, but is their preference, but it is sold as the Gospel. People who are not educated in scripture would believe that is God’s way..Scripture based. So you have to be a wise and discerning parent to separate what is truly scriptural and practical, and what is Ezzo opinion being sold as scriptural. A lot of young parents are not well educated in scripture, and they do not have much self confidence in how to raise a baby/child. They hook onto this and think “I must do it this way, or I”m going against God.” That is where the problem lies. JMHO….
Disclosure: I am a member of First Baptist Broken Arrow where the conference is to occur this year, though I was unaware that the conference was to occur there, and don’t have any plans to attend or any relationship with the GFI organization or its affiliates.
Having had twins in 2005, we first felt that the Babywise method was too stringent and opted instead for what we thought was a more moderate and enlightened method. Over time, however, due to absolute exhaustion on our part, etc. we found ourselves borrowing heavily from the Babywise philosophy and ultimately we pretty much implemented it fully. It worked extremely well, provided us a degree of sanity, and produced children that slept through the night (in their own rooms) and were happy during the day. We never felt like score keepers, nor that we were alienating our children. If one does, then I question their implementation of the philosophy. For years since, anyone that sees the utter lack of drama at bed time in our home is amazed and wishes they had such kids (they also wish their kids napped 2-3 hours a day like ours still do at the age of four). We’ve had a number of pregnant friends vow to send their newborns to live with us to receive such training. We just give them the book and tell them to use common sense in implementing it. Those that do, seem to have a very positive and peaceful experiences as new parents just like us.
Oh, great resources! Thank you, TG and others, for giving authentic, real voice to experience.
I’m sharing some ideas on how to address concerns over Babywise and other Ezzo materials in online discussion today: http://sortacrunchy.typepad.com/sortacrunchy/2010/07/how-to-give-voice-to-your-ezzo-concerns-online.html
I’ll be back for more commenting after our morning at Vacation Bible School.
Babywise proponents always seem to have 1 of 2 responses when responding to those who are critical of the program :
1) You followed it too closely(i.e. did not use common sense)
2) You did not follow it closely enough.
Its sad that only very rarely is the material itself questioned.
My own theory is that certain personality types have a filter and adapt what they read to fit the body of knowledge(sometimes unconscious) they already possess. Others tend to read more literally and take what the author says at face value.
Regardless, there are definitely those parents who are so scared of producing little heathens, who have been told they BW is the holy grail of parenting, that they will apply what Ezzo says to the “T” despite any pangs of conscious they feel. The fact that Ezzo denies the existence of maternal instincts only exacerbates the situation.
The other thing Ezzo proponents of Ezzo seem to miss is just how conflicting the messages in BW can be. See here for a good summary :
http://ezzo.info/Articles/bw2001review.htm
Thanks TG for keeping this going!
It is of little surprise to me that proponents of Ezzo material blame the parents for any problems that arise in following the material because that is precisely what Ezzo does in his writing.
From the outset of Babywise, the attachment parenting straw family is vilified as the ultimate example of bad parenting. Throughout the book, the choices of “Marisa’s” parents are blamed for her chronically fussy, “demanding” behavior. It is obvious to the reader that all of their bad parenting choices (cue feeding, wearing her in a sling, using sleep props, etc) are creating the monster baby that Marisa is turning into.
Additionally, there are subtle statements that indict parents for problems with baby’s routine. I was just flipping through my (1995) edition of the book and noted this statement about “Waking Early Out of a Sound Nap” (the 45 minute nap wake-up that is extremely normal and appropriate in infancy) – of it, Ezzo writes, “If your baby wakes out of a sound sleep with a strong cry, it may be the result of a combination of any of the three factors mentioned above (trapped gas, your diet, a milk quality problem – again, subtly blaming the breastfeeding mother for baby’s nap “problem). It might also mean you have too much flexibility in your routine.”
In one short paragraph, there are two examples of the subtle blaming of parents for deviations from the BW plan. So again, it is not surprising that students of his work do the same thing.
It doesn’t make it any less hurtful, of course, for those of us who tried to use common sense, who were devoted to following “God’s Way” in caring for our babies, and yet were big Babywise failures when we are accused of not having common sense enough to implement the directives wisely.
Brian- i think that what you stated is very true. I even have a friend who labels herself a “hardcore babywise mom” who i disagree with on multiple things… she is so wrapped up in following the book to a T that she forgets that her baby is not a robot. I think this is a common mistake by new moms.
So we totally agree there. Let me also say that i have no clue what people mean when they deeIn my mind you either see success with it or you dont. It either fits your family’s lifestyle or it doesnt. I do NOT believe that any one parenting style is THE way to parent. I’m not a fan of attachment parenting so i didnt do it. But i dont think you’re going to raise a terrible child if you adhere to some attachment parenting philosophies as long as your main goal is to raise your children in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.
Megan- 1st off, let me assure you that i know FOR SURE that the “45 minute intruder” as it is deemed in babywise is of no consequence to ANYTHING other than the baby having to get through that phase of life. Never once was my baby’s schedule the problem. She was never hungry. Never anything but awake. I think its just a phase and that its somewhat ridiculous to try to figure out every little thing that may go “wrong” in a baby’s life. Its life. It happens
I guess i’ve just never really gotten the feeling that babywise promotes “do it this way or you’re not doing it gods way”. So i dont really understand the big outcry from some people who advocate so strongly against it.
Wow, yes, raising twins can be hard! Nice to see responses from a couple of other twin parents on here. One thing I’ve loved about having twins is seeing what individuals they are, even from an early age–different needs, different personalities, different appetites, different metabolisms. I have so much respect for other parents balancing the needs of multiple infants at the same time.
But even through the bleary-eyed stages, I’ve treasured our middle-of-the-night moments we had together as a family. And even though we responded to our children’s cries, they slept through the night quite well, at a developmentally appropriate age. The only exception to that is that our daughter had nightmares/night-terrors, and I’m just so glad that I wasn’t in a cry-it-out mindset during that time, because looking back, it just would have been so damaging to her, and to all of us as a family unit just to leave her alone during her suffering. She outgrew them, but I have beautiful memories of rocking her back to sleep in the middle of the night, moments that are engraved on my memory as a parent.
In the realm of “common-sense,” it just didn’t make sense to me that not responding to my babies’ cries was God’s way. So, to shut that off, seems like it could be shutting “common sense” off. And then after studying more theologically about children, and biologically about childhood development, what seemed to be common-sense to me, also seemed to have substantial support. It’s so hard to tell what’s nature and what’s nurture, but I’m grateful for two very responsive and loving toddlers (they’re almost three now).
It’s interesting, several members of my family and close friends have adopted children, and have had to deal with the effects of (birth) parental unresponsiveness to children. And that responsiveness–to cries, or even to something as simple as a game of peekaboo–is so important in laying the foundation for relationships and for learning (brain pathways).
Also, just as a caution (not critizing anyone’s parenting style), if I were (hypothetically) to use or recommend the use of Babywise with twins, again in the area of common sense, I would do substantial research in the area of the biological mechanics of breastfeeding, as well as on medically-based research (which as I understand it, Babywise is not) on growth and development of babies. Multiples, for several reasons, are at a higher risk for failure to thrive issues.
Bathing the baby does not love, it is recommended Baby Tub Seat capped with non-slip mat to prevent slipping from the chair.
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