TulipGirl

In 1995 our family was first introduced to the Ezzo parenting materials. As a Christian who wanted to live in a way that took the Bible seriously, I evaluated all ideas in light of the question, “Does this reflect a Biblical Christian worldview?”

We were first introduced to the Preparation for Parenting materials by a few Christian friends, and then classes were promoted at our church. (Prep was the forerunner to Babywise, a book which summarized the program stripped it of religious language.) When I heard some of the basic ideas, the terms being used, and the Bible verses cited, Prep seemed to align with my Christian worldview question.

Through the years I came to see that while I valued Biblical teaching, when I was going through Prep I was not really looking closely at what was being taught and comparing it with the Bible. This seems to be a pretty common experience for those of us who were exposed to the Ezzo parenting ideas in the ‘90s, though some people were voicing concerns about the Biblical and theological content.

In the beginning, Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo focused on marketing their materials to Christian families. Their non-religious book, Babywise, has been promoted to Christians as a tool to build bridges to proselytize neighbors — however it seems at this point that has been supplanted by sales goals. Target markets have grown to include both the non-religious and in recent years a significant LDS population. (I find the LDS connection interesting because in the mid-90s one of my LDS friends told me Babywise ideas would never be something promoted by her church.)

In contrast to those early years, my questions for evaluating ideas have shifted. I now ask myself “Does this reflect the Gospel in our relationships? Does this point us to our dependence upon the grace of God in each moment of each day? Does this reflect God’s great story of redemption?”

Gary Ezzo puts great emphasis on parents choosing a “parenting philosophy.” I believe the philosophy in the Ezzo materials leads to moralism in family life, rather than dependence upon the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

When I use the word “Gospel” it represents a specific group of beliefs. The associations you have with that term may be quite different so I believe it is very important to clarify.

It is hard for me to be succinct when it comes to the Gospel, so I’m going to borrow a quote a friend of mine shared:

“On the cross Christ paid the debt for every selfish desire, thought, word, or deed to which you will ever give yourself. You no longer have to be afraid to own up to your selfishness. You do not have to whitewash your thoughts and motives. You do not have to cover your sin by blaming others or by self-atoning logic. You do not have to give yourself to acts of penance (self-atonement) that make you feel better about yourself. You do not have to search for biblical passages that will give ease to your conscience.

No, your debt has been fully paid. Your punishment has been borne by Another. There is One who has taken your place and been condemned instead of you.

Paul says, ‘He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross’ (Colossians 2:13b-14). As God’s child, you have been forgiven for every act of self-focused independence and rebellion.”
– Paul David Tripp

Maybe that wasn’t as succinct as I hoped. . .

“The ‘gospel’ is the good news that through Christ the power of God’s kingdom has entered history to renew the whole world. When we believe and rely on Jesus’ work and record (rather than ours) for our relationship to God, that kingdom power comes upon us and begins to work through us.”
–Tim Keller

Not long ago I was rocking babies in the nursery and so I missed a sermon about forgiveness which drew from the parable of the unforgiving servant. My children relayed it to me in such detail that I know they really grasped the meaning – we have been forgiven a debt of such sin and guilt that is more than we can even imagine. As we are reminded in the above quote, the debt has been completely paid by Christ. We don’t have to whitewash or excuse or self-atone for our sins. Christ has done it all.

How can we — we who have been forgiven so very much — fail to convey that forgiveness to our children? How can we point to any actions of ours or theirs to cover their sins? Why do we hesitate to tell our children the Good News? “Your punishment has been borne by Another. There is One who has taken your place and been condemned instead of you. . . . As God’s child, you have been forgiven for every act of self-focused independence and rebellion.”

The Gospel is so simple. So profound.

As Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo are professing Christians, I assume they affirm this Gospel of immeasurable grace and forgiveness which is from Christ alone.

However, instead of helping parents communicate to their own children the joy of the Gospel and their need of Christ daily, the Ezzo parenting materials communicate a religious moralism.

We can see an emphasis on this moralism quite overtly in Growing Kids God’s Way, Preparation for Parenting and the religiously oriented curriculum. It is still there, but a little more subtle in Babywise and other secular materials. Infant feeding and sleeping is presented as a “moral” issue – and if a parent “trains” their infant, not only will there be the much-touted reward of sleeping through the night, but also an infant who is prepared to be an moral toddler. Similarly, being consistent and keeping “the funnel” narrow in toddlerhood will result in a moral child. Happy, obedient children are the promised reward of raising children morally. How could this be a bad thing?

“We must not suppose that if we succeeded in making everyone nice we should have saved their souls. A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world.” — C.S. Lewis

It is not bad per se, to have a good child – yet it can be devastating when it leads to a religious moralism that denies the need for Christ for us as parents as well as for our children.

To expound a little more on moralism, which we can see both in religious and non-religious communities:

“Moralism is the view that you are acceptable (to God, the world, others, yourself) through your attainments. (Moralists do not have to be religious, but often are.) When they are, their religion if pretty conservative and filled with rules. Sometimes moralists have views of God as very holy and just. This view will lead either to a) self-hatred (because you can’t live up to the standards), or b) self-inflation (because you think you have lived up to the standards). It is ironic to realize that inferiority and superiority complexes have the very same root. Whether the moralist ends up smug and superior or crushed and guilty just depends on how high the standards are and on a person’s natural advantages (such as family, intelligence, looks, willpower). Moralistic people can be deeply religious–but there is no transforming joy or power.

…

“But though religious persons may be extremely penitent and sorry for their sins, they see sins as simply the failure to live up to standards by which they are saving themselves. They do not see sin as the deeper self-righteousness and self-centeredness through which they are trying to live lives independent of God. So when they go to Jesus for forgiveness, they only as a way to “cover over the gaps” in their project of self-salvation. And when people say, “I know God is forgiving, but I cannot forgive myself”, they mean that they reject God’s grace and insist that they be worthy of his favor. So even religious people with “low self esteem” are really in their funk because they will not see the depth of sin. They see it only as rules breaking, not as rebellion and self-salvation. ”

– Tim Keller

This religious moralism is what I found in the Ezzo parenting philosophy — perhaps it was even one of the things that appealed to me in these materials. Other Christian parents have told me that they, too, found that as they implemented the Ezzo ideas in their homes they drifted towards moralism and away from the Gospel.

We as parents need to recognize that yes, we will sin in our family relastionships. Yes, we WILL sin. Jesus already bore the punishment for that sin. We need Jesus every day. We need God’s grace to nurture and raise our children.

Our children need for us to come alongside them when they sin, acknowledge that yes, they sinned. Yes, they WILL sin. Jesus already bore the punishment for that sin. They need Jesus every day. They need God’s grace to obey.

In short I take serious theological and Biblical issue with the philosophy espoused by the Ezzo parenting materials because it fails to apply the heart of the Gospel in our parenting relationships.

It would give me such great joy for Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo to reflect on the impact of the Gospel in parenting and greatly change their materials from a moralistic teaching to reflect a Gospel-centered approach to parenting.

I am a very flawed, imperfect parent. Honestly, I’m thankful for that because it keeps me very dependent upon the Gospel each day.

This is my daily prayer as a mother,

“Lord, remind me of the truth of the Gospel. Remind me of Christ’s atonement and how great a debt I have been forgiven. Keep me dependent upon You. Help me in each moment to point my children to the truth of the Gospel. Help us understand that the sin in our lives today has already been atoned for on the cross. Help me and my boys to turn to you in repentance each day, relying upon You alone in all things. Amen.”

__________________

This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2010 series. As a reminder, we are looking closely at a set of ideas, or “philosophy” as Gary Ezzo terms it – but not being critical of parents who are raising their children with love and the resources which they have.