We’re having our own little McCain/Obama debate watching party at home tonight with the kids, watching online at CNN.com. I think we’ll make popcorn, too. . .
In a few weeks days, our family will be heading out for a family roadtrip!
The boys were great travelers as little ones — we made countless long trips in the minivan. But in Ukraine we were free of a vehicle, and the trips we took were overnight by train. Lots of fun, but a totally different experience.
Last fall we went up the east coast to Pennsylvania (and took a midnight tour of D.C.) and had a wonderful time. However, we’ll be taking the mother-of-all-roadtrips this fall — driving east to west, not quite to the west coast. We’re all really looking forward to it, but I’m realistic enough to know we’ll likely have a few bumps in the road and in our relating to one another as we drive across long, hot, flat expanse of west Texas.
Plus, the boys are older now. . . Older and bigger and sometimes feel cramped in the back of the minivan. We’re stocked up on snacks, books, dictionary and hymnal (you’d be amazed at how often a dictionary comes in handy on the road!), sketchbooks and audio books.
Any ideas or advice or great road trip stories to share?
The contents of parenting materials by Gary Ezzo have changed significantly through the years. This article gives a glimpse of that, as well as explains why there are many who are still concerned about these teachings.
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This post is part of the Ezzo Week(end) 2008 series, raising awareness about the concerns with the parenting “philosophy” promoted by Gary Ezzo.
More mommy-inspiration to share — this time focused on the toddler years. One of the things that has helped me most with my toddlers and preschoolers is understanding child development. These links are ones that have encouraged me as well as helped me understand my little disciples.
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Problem Children / You’ve Got to be Kidding!: Practical ideas for encouraging strong sibling bonds, especially when a new baby is coming.
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Zero to Three: This site focuses on child development through the first three years, especially brain development. When I understood brain myelination, it made sense why sometimes my bright toddlers could respond quickly to my instructions and other times were slower to respond. It wasn’t an issue of “obedience” but rather the way their developing brains could sometimes quickly convey messages and other times be slow.
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Parenting Freedom - Attachment Through the Years: “We believe the parent/child attachment is parallel to God’s relationship with us. Does it make sense that the more time we spend in prayer, in study of the Scriptures, and in fellowship with God’s family, the easier it is to do what is “right”? The closer the bond, the less room for sin. The parent/child relationship is more important than all the parenting skills in the world.”
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Restoring Gently and Carrying Burdens: “What does “restoring gently” look like? Luther explains, “when they see that those persons are sorrowful for their offenses, they should begin to raise them up again, to comfort them, and to mitigate their faults as much as they can—yet through mercy only, which they must set against sin, lest those who have fallen are swallowed up with depression.” And “. . .gently, and not in the zeal of severe justice.””
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Discipline Ideas for Toddlers: Some practical ideas for the nitty-gritty situations we and our toddlers face.
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Recommended Reading: A review of books that many mothers find helpful. Read with discernment.
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Potty Training: Rebecca writes one of the most common-sensical articles about potty-training. Mine were all past that stage when I read this, but it’s realistic and low-key — which is what we need when we have toddlers who are ready for big boy skivvies!
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This post is part of the Ezzo Week(end) 2008 series, raising awareness about the concerns with the parenting “philosophy” promoted by Gary Ezzo.
One of the things that I’ve benefited from most as a mother, is the mommy-inspiration that has been shared with me from others –those who understand the joys and struggles of motherhood and share their wisdom with me. Let me share with you these bits of mommy-inspiration that are found online. While I’ve highlighted a quote from each, I encourage you to click through each link.
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Mothering in the Shadow of the Cross: “A friend of my parents held his little boy in his arms as we discussed new parenthood. He was telling me that one of the biggest shockers for him, the unexpected part of being a father, was that it gave him a better glimpse of the Fatherhood of God. “I’m beginning to understand, on a deeper level, the love of God,” he said. “It’s one of the most wonderful things about having a baby.”"
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Breastfeeding and Brand New Moms: “. . .to quote Churchill “nevah, evah give up”. I think the advice about just sitting and being is excellent. It takes time to get going. E– didn’t latch well for almost two months, because he was born early and little. Sometimes it would take an hour of on and off and on and off, and a short break, and then another feeding. Starting b’feeding takes perseverance, so my piece of advice is line up your cheerleader(s)! If my mom hadn’t been there from the beginning to be my cheerleader I probably would’ve naively given him a bottle thinking that he would never latch on. But my mom was right, just keep trying and he’ll get it.”
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Mother to Mother: “Can a woman forget her nursing child?” the Scripture asks, rhetorically. The lovely, poetic passage goes on to portray God’s care for “Jerusalem” as being even more reliable than a nursing mother to her baby, an axiom of attentive care. Yet “Yes, even these may forget, but I will never forget you, I have graven you on the palms of my hands“ The physicality of the connection is a nice bit of poetry, even more so because it resonates with a nursing mother’s experience: her baby, too, is in a sense “graven” on her body, her breasts continually remind her of the baby’s presence and need.
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Martin Luther, for Fathers and Mothers: “Now observe that when that clever harlot, our natural reason… , takes a look at married life, she turns up her nose and says, “Alas, must I rock the baby, wash its diapers, make its bed, smell its stench, stay up nights with it, take care of it when it cries, heal its rashes and sores… ? What then does Christian faith say to this? It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant, distasteful, and despised duties in the Spirit, and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval as with the costliest gold and jewels.”
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This post is part of the Ezzo Week(end) 2008 series, raising awareness about the concerns with the parenting “philosophy” promoted by Gary Ezzo.
What — did you think we’d miss it?! It’s that time of year again for the annual Ezzo Week 2008 blog-a-thon!
As always, Ezzo Week here corresponds with Gary Ezzo’s Growing Families International National Conference slash Leadership and Parenting Symposium. This year the conference will be held in Louisville, KY, from July 18th through July 19th, 2008.
While this annual event will be somewhat abridged this year, we still encourage you to join in! Blog about your own Ezzo experiences, chime in here, or join the conversation over at the AwareParent discussion board.
Why do we do this?
It’s not about blaming parents.
It is about Gospel-focused parenting, freedom in parenting, and encouraging mothers and fathers.
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Ezzo Week in the archives:
Ezzo Week 2004 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2005 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2006 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2007 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2008 Announcement
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This post is part of the Ezzo Week(end) 2008 series, raising awareness about the concerns with the parenting “philosophy” promoted by Gary Ezzo.
“On the cross Christ paid the debt for every selfish desire, thought, word, or deed to which you will ever give yourself. You no longer have to be afraid to own up to your selfishness. You do not have to whitewash your thoughts and motives. You do not have to cover your sin by blaming others or by self-atoning logic. You do not have to give yourself to acts of penance (self-atonement) that make you feel better about yourself. You do not have to search for biblical passages that will give ease to your conscience. No, your debt has been fully paid. Your punishment has been borne by Another. There is One who has taken your place and been condemned instead of you. Paul says, ‘He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross’ (Colossians 2:13b-14). As God’s child, you have been forgiven for every act of self-focused independence and rebellion. –Paul David Tripp
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Doesn’t that just cause your heart to sing aloud?
Why don’t you re-read it? Such joy in that truth. . .
Today’s sermon was about forgiveness, and drew from the parable of the unforgiving servant. I was rocking babies in the nursery, so I didn’t hear it. But my children relayed it to me in such detail — I know they grasped the meaning.
And this reminds me of some conversations we’ve been having here about how we relate to our children. . .
We have been forgiven ten-thousand years of sin and guilt. As we are reminded above, the debt has been completely paid by Christ. We don’t have to whitewash or excuse or self-atone for our sins. Christ has done it all. Fully.
How can we who have been forgiven much fail to convey that forgiveness to our children? How can we point to any actions of ours or theirs to cover their sins? Why do we hesitate to tell our children the Good News? “Your punishment has been borne by Another. There is One who has taken your place and been condemned instead of you. . . . As God’s child, you have been forgiven for every act of self-focused independence and rebellion.”
The Gospel is so simple. So profound.
I know several mothers are visiting here this week to discuss Biblical parenting. This is my daily prayer as a mother:
“Lord, remind me of the truth of the Gospel. Remind me of Christ’s atonement and how great a debt I have been forgiven. Keep me dependent upon You. Help me in each moment to point my children to the truth of the Gospel. Help us understand that the sin in our lives today has already been atoned for on the cross. Help me and my boys to turn to you in repentance each day, relying upon You alone in all things. Amen.”
NGJ Magazine encouraged its followers to comment on how Pearl parenting is working for them on various websites including this one. I couldn’t let the following story get lost in the comments, especially as I know this family and have seen through the years God’s amazing healing in part of the family (as well as the continued struggling in other parts of the family.)
Thank you for sharing with such transparency, Jo.
QUOTE:
“You want to talk fruits of a parenting? Let’s compare and contrast myself with…oh MY PARENTS. My mother is a faithful and avid reader of NGJ. She adores the Pearls and when I first became a mother made it very clear that to be a good mother I needed to adhere to their methods as well.
“While I was not raised specifically by TTUAC because it was not yet written, I was raised in that same method, in that same Christian culture and my mother certainly does adhere to TTUAC methods with the 5 she is currently raising.
“So, let’s see. Mom has 3 adult children and 1 on the verge with which to judge her parenting. Oh but wait, she doesn’t speak to her adult children anymore. We’re too dysfunctional and of this world now for her to have time for. And, for our own part, we happen to believe she should have been locked up for her selfish parenting and her child abuse…oh, that’s right, the Pearls call it Biblical parenting. My sister’s therapist recently called it battery acid. I thought that was a good description.
“So, my mother has 3 thriving healthy adult children whom she has no contact with whatsoever. She has 8 (with a 9th on the way) grandchildren, all of which she is forbidden to have any contact with. Her 17 year old is desperately waiting to finish high school next year so he can get out of her house and has NO intention of speaking to her once he leaves. Her 14 year old hates her and tells me this via emails when she gets a chance. Her 12 year old…well, he’s attempted to run away repeatedly now. Verdict is still out on the 11 and 10 year olds. But, to be quite honest, that’s not a track record I would want for my parenting of 8 children. At least 5 either have no contact or openly state they will have no contact once they are old enough to leave her home.
“Good, Pearl Biblical parenting at work for you, ladies. I lived it. I should know.
“Meanwhile, I subscribe to a gentler, more loving parenting style. I prefer to parent as if Jesus were actively watching me and actively reminding me that I must be like a child to enter the Kingdom myself.
“My children are amazing. I don’t just say this as a proud mother. My youngest son’s therapist informed me Thursday he’s NEVER met children like mine. Church members weep to see the beauty of my children. Heck, I weep to see the beauty that God has blessed me with in these children.
“Oh, therapist you say. Yes, see my youngest son is still a fosterchild. He has huge demons in his heart and soul still. We’re still fighting. No, we’re not waiting for the countdown until we can spank him. We’re fighting to help him heal.
“And, here is the TRUE mark of my children for you. This week, my son’s therapist told us to give up on him. Told us the cost to save him will be too great for the other children to pay.
“Being good parents, we discussed this with the other children. Afte rall, the fight to save and heal this one will take the largest toll on these children. I honestly expected at least a few of the children to say yes, we must give up.
“They didn’t. And, they had no reason to feel they had to say something *we* expected, because we are honestly weak and fragile and aren’t sure we can help this child heal.
“Nope. My children clearly demonstrated the love of Christ in a way I had forgotten in the trenches with this hurting child. They unanimously told us we MUST carry on. They LOVE him, even though they know he does not love them. And, as far as they are concerned, his life is worth what it will cost them. Furthermore didn’t we, mommy and daddy, remember that this is precisely what Jesus would have us do? This is what Jesus wanted us to do And, no matter how naughty and difficult this child is, Jesus still loves him and we must too.
“I’m not a perfect parent. Far from it, honestly. But, I didn’t spank this fruit of the Spirit into my children. I showed them by example what it means to live a life in the shadow of the Cross. And, they have chosen to find their own path to that Cross and to live a life always conscious of what their Savior would have them do. I didn’t stand and attempt to BE their Savior, as Pearl would tell us we should. I merely allowed my life to be an example to point the way to that Cross. Their Savior found them, each and every one of them, he claimed them and they have chosen to follow HIM, not me, HIM.
“And, unlike Micheal Pearl, when my children went to that Cross to find their Savior, they never found me there telling them I represented their Savior. They found a merciful and loving God one they have chosen to follow. And, today, one they have chosen to remain in obedience to even at a high cost to themselves to fight for the heart of a little brother who has never known true love and true commitment and safety before entering this home and being surrounded by these siblings.
“Now, I’m sorry. But, for me the question of whether to follow Micheal Pearl or my Christ is a very simple answer. I look at my parents who followed Pearl and I see the fruits of their labors. And, I look at my children, whom have been raised with the love and mercy that a forgiving and protective Creator would have them raised in. I see fruits in my children which humble me. I see hearts in tune with their Creator in ways I can only wish to be. And, I realize quite simply that Micheal Pearl has missed the mark.
“Hurting children? Yup, missing the mark and deciding to be the Savior for your children is definitely hurting children. I should know. I was one of those children hurt by this parenting method.
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Thank you, Jo, for sharing from such a vulnerable place in life. May God continue to heal your family and your children — as well as your parents and siblings still struggling.
“Paddock’s siblings and the daughters in the foster home where social workers placed Paddock described her as timid and shy. They said she had a tendency to follow the lead of others and never stuck up for herself.
Judy Blazek, one of the daughters in the foster home where Paddock was sent at age 14, said that it didn’t surprise her that Paddock would discipline her children following the instruction of a minister who wrote about child rearing.
Paddock “wanted her family to be perfect. So she would pretty much follow any book or any suggestion that you gave her on helping these children through life. I see her spanking them to get them to be perfect.”
Reported by Mandy Locke
How many times have we as loving, Christian mothers wanted our “family to be perfect”?
Even when we know that we are not, cannot be perfect–what is it in us that desires for that perfection in our families? A desire to measure up? Measure up to our churches’ standards, our subculture’s standards, our own internalized standards?
Seeking that idealized family, how many of us have turned to the Pearls, the Ezzos, the Phillips, the Bauchams. . . or whoever currently has a voice and paints a pretty picture of an ideal family?
Not that we shouldn’t seek encouragement. . . certainly we have much to learn from one another, especially from those who have been there, done that and gone the distance.
But it is so easy to become entangled in the yoke of bondage, enslaved to ideals devised by men and women. We seek perfection, instead of the Perfect One. We want to earn approval, at the least from ourselves–and isn’t that in reality trying to earn approval from God?
We are called to raise our children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. This is a good thing. But when a good thing becomes an ultimate thing, as Tim Keller describes, it become an idol.
As well meaning as Lynn Paddock is. . . as well meaning as Michael Pearl is. . . isn’t this the heart of the issue? The idolatry of the “perfect family” removing our focus from Christ?
May we all take heed. Repent. Know that we don’t have to “measure up” or have the “perfect family,” because Christ and His righteousness are already ours, by His amazing grace. May we rest in Him in our daily struggles as families, growing closer to Him and each other.
More for the mommy-inspiration files, from Kim at Upward Call. I asked her if I could share this here, because it wasn’t originally posted on her blog or written with mothers in mind. Instead, these were ideas she was mulling and had in mind for a younger group of Believers, those who are not yet parents. Still these were the words I needed to read and again turned my heart towards Christ and my children.
As a parent, I have learned a lot. As a parent, I have re-visited how I was parented and how I behaved as a child. Of course, sin mars all we do, and there were mistakes I made as a child that I wish I could erase. While Christ has forgiven me for them, they remain in my memory.
It is the same thing with being a parent. I am sure that someday, I will have even more regrets than I do already for things done and not done.
One thing I can say, however, in encouragement to you who have yet to be parents is this: encourage your children.
There is nothing more devestating than being a child who never gets any encouragement for what he does. Some parents will tell all their friends how wonderful their children are, but will never tell the child to her face. Some parents are full of criticism, condemnation, and rules that have no rational explanation, and the kid never know which way is up. I know that I have not always been encouraging as a parent. I need to daily, verbally, emotionally, and even with a hug, encourage my kids.
Kids who grow up with no encouragement may become people who don’t encourage. Kids who grow up with unmerciful, legalistic rules may become unmerciful, legalistic people. I have been married long enough to know how difficult it is to shed the baggage from my childhood. Sometimes, without meaning to, we simply mimick parenting we received. Now, if it’s good parenting, that’s one thing, but all too often we repeat the mistakes of our parents. We need to pray to God for deliverance from ungodly parenting ways.
So, young people, when you become parents — and that is not all that far in the future, you know; just think how fast the past ten years have gone and you will realize how fast the next ten are going to go — ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN. Tell them when they’ve done well. Discipline them IN LOVE AND WITH MERCY when they make mistakes. And love them fiercely.
Each of you are just the right mother for your children. God gave your children to you–not as a possession, but to nurture and raise to His glory. I am not the one God chose to mother your child–not me, not anyone else. Your love and God’s grace are what your child needs–regardless of what parenting books, websites, and ideas you come across along the way. You will have challenges, struggles, heartaches, as well as love, joys and successes!
Through it all, we learn to lean into the Lord. . . to trust Him. . . to turn to Him in prayer and humility and rest. . .
And we are free! Free from philosophies, free from rules. . . free to turn to the Lord and grow into the mothers He has called us to be!
I have found it freeing to learn and study and seek wisdom–both the direct revelation in the Bible as well as revelation in God’s creation. One resource as we seek the Lord in our ministry of mothering is the website Parenting Freedom. This site is newly online, but the mother behind it has long been sharing mothering encouragement with me and others. I appreciate her willingness to learn, grow, seek the Lord and find freedom in parenting.
I encourage you to visit the website, be encouraged by the Scripture, be challenged by the research, and know you have freedom to seek the Lord as you nurture the children He has given you.
A reminder to lean into the Lord, especially when we and our children are both struggling.
For the Mommy-Inspiration Files.
* ChewyMom shares her experiences–positive and negative–with Ezzo parenting. I “knew” Chewy from the GFI discussion boards (mid-90s) before they were closed without warning. (Interesting sidenote: It seems as if some Ezzo promoters are hoping to resurrect some sort of messageboard.) She was a “Contact Mom” and had a knack of encouraging young mothers–as she does now.
* A dad compiles a new parents’ list of must-haves. Babywise is among the must-haven’ts.
* Kindly promotion of Ezzo Week over at Quiet Garden–with hints of more posting to follow.
* ShangriLewis: “You do not need to trick your children into obeying, sleeping, or recieving salvation. These are all gifts from God and we the parents need to look towards the Almighty Grace he has shown upon us.”
* On the first post of her new blog, a mom-of-seven talks about how she used Ezzo parenting and then realized “my children became bitter and angry. Things didn’t change until I ditched the program and changed myself. My children are happy children, that love being part of a large family where everyone is included, and where they are permitted to think and discuss what is on their mind.”
* Thoughts of Home writes about Ezzo parenting and what she learned from her mother, a great source of mothering encouragment.
* Rachel comments on Wisely Raising Babies, and shares common-sense and baby-friendly resources that have helped her.
* Quiet Garden expands her thoughts on Ezzo parenting, including her first introduction to Gary Ezzo in the early 1990s, sharing details that are new to me. . .
* Rocks in My Dryer shares the link love.
* This Classical Life shares encouraging words about Ezzo Week.
* In Martha’s World, you can learn a lot about the biology of infant sleep as well as safe co-sleeping.
* Batesline Blog has long been part of the TulipGirl Tulsa contingency. . . and so is promoting Ezzo Week as well.
* Amie writes about the Gospel in parenting and the age of accountability.
* Anne in Ukraine encourages Ezzo Week posting, too.
If I missed your Ezzo Week 2007 post, please let me know! I’m relying upon Blogsearch and Technorati, and they have their limits.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
I was wondering what your thoughts are on gently contradicting fellow church members who like (and endorse!) the Ezzo materials. Someone recently donated the Growing Kid’s God’s Way to our tiny little church library and I definitely am going to speak up about it … but want to do so in an informed and gentle manner. Any thoughts?
This has been a very hard question for me to answer. It was the first one e-mailed to me for Ezzo Week, and the last one that I’m posting.
So much depends upon your church, the relationships you have within the church, the pastor or elders, the degree to which Ezzo parenting is being promoted. . .
In the specific situation of the materials being in the library, I would go to the volunteer librarian or pastor and simply request they be removed. I would probably not want to confront those who donated them, but just quietly keep that resource from being available in (and thereby endorsed by) our church. If something did need to be said to the family who donated it, I would use the phrase a pastor I know uses–”That’s just not the direction our church is going. . .” Simple. Respectful.
However, very rarely in life are things this straightforward. If it is necessary to bring concerns to the leadership of your church, I would recommend writing to illustrate how Gary Ezzo’s teachings are not in line with your own church’s teachings and doctrine. This isn’t that difficult to do, considering the sloppy hermeneutics and misuse of Scripture widespread in the Ezzo materials.
The second point I would bring up is how sadly divisive Ezzo teaching tends to become in a church. In the infant materials, Ezzo strives to persuade with strawman arguments and promotes an “us vs. them” mentality. We saw this play out in the church in which we were introduced to Ezzo parenting, and other friends have lived through it, too. I would also point out how within the larger, mainstream community, Babywise has a poor reputation and promoting these materials is very likely to discourage new parents from joining the church.
I think it is important all the while, to communicate respect for other parents and the freedom for other parents to make their own family decisions. In my discussions about Ezzo parenting, I have wanted to be careful to not criticize any parent who uses Ezzo parenting. I have vocally criticized the materials as they are written and taught by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.
If your church is actively teaching the Ezzo materials, you will likely need to take things to the next step. It will likely involve presenting a well-written letter with a notebook of supporting materials which bring up theological, church discipline, and character concerns, as well as issues of child development, infant feeding, and poor reputation in the mainstream community. I would also include a list of Christian leaders who have made statements of non-endorsement like Dr. James Dobson, Dr. John MacArthur, Rev. Chuck Smith, Dr. Tedd Tripp, Barbara Curtis, and so many more. You may need to request a meeting with your church leaders to present your concerns in person, and to make a specific request of action–whether it be stopping the classes being promoted by the church, removing the materials from the church library or even having the church make a statement of non-endorsement.
Please remember, that many churches who promote Ezzo parenting do so because of a pastor or elder who use the materials themselves. Likely, they are loving and actively involve in parenting their children. Questioning Gary Ezzo’s teachings may feel to parents using the materials like you are attacking them as parents–even though you are not critizing them personally.
Take heart–I know several families who have presented their concerns to the leaders of their church, and had the materials removed and classes stopped.
I would really like to hear how others have presented their concerns within their churches. Your experience?
Do you have a question for our Ezzo Week Question of the Day? E-mail me! EzzoWeek@gmail.com . Please let me know whether you want to be anon or if you want me to identify you and your blog.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
I am curious about the older child Ezzo stuff………..GKGW, I guess, or whatever the name is now. I have read the baby/toddler wise books but I don’t know anything about how they suggest parenting preschool/elementary aged children.
Good question. . . Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo have written several books/programs for older children, the core of which was orginally called Growing Kids God’s Way. I’ve heard the Ezzos themselves refer to it recently in an interview as such, though the revamped name is now “Let the Children Come Along the Virtuous Way.” Still GKGW is an easier acronym to type, so I’ll use that to refer to the core curriculum for older children past and current. (Look here for an attempt at compiling a full list of Ezzo titles.)
To be completely honest, I have more concerns about the materials written by the Ezzos for parents of preschoolers and older children than I do about the infant/toddler materials. Often it is easier to discuss Babywise/Prep/Along the Infant Way the problems often manifest quickly in physical ways. Also, it can be easier to discuss with parents who are new to Ezzo parenting the problems with the materials, than it is to bring up the flaws in the older children materials when parents have already been using them for such a long time.
What I’ve seen to be the heart of the problem with Ezzo’s materials? Neglecting the Gospel. In striving to teach children the “moral reason why,” what is neglected is coming alongside children when they sin, helping children acknowledge that sin, and pointing to their need for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Among Rebecca Prewett’s many insightful writings related to Ezzo parenting, includes a review of GKGW in which she summarizes:
“The crux of GKGW philosophy is the belief that a child’s heart is molded by external factors, and it is molding by the parents that will lead the child to Christ. . . . A secondary concern here is that, in the end, it seems that behavior modification is what is really being taught as the key to success and Christianity.”
While that is sufficient reason in my experience for parents to reject the Ezzo’s materials for older children, there are some other concerns that need to be mentioned. Each of these points will be linked to an outside resource for those who want more information.
3. Isolationism / Divisiveness
4. Misinformation on Child Development
And for further reading on GKGW, I recommend:
Whose Way, After All? by Barbara Curtis
GKGW: Myths and Misconceptions by former Contact Mom, pastor’s wife
Evaluation of Ezzo Parenting Programs by Dr. Kent McClain
AwareParent.Net Discussion Board
Chewymom’s GFI Experiences
Do you have a question for our Ezzo Week Question of the Day? E-mail me! EzzoWeek@gmail.com . Please let me know whether you want to be anon or if you want me to identify you and your blog.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
It’s Ezzo Week and the GFI National Conference is now well under way. We believe and have experienced how the Lord is both over all and close at hand, and how He uses prayer.
Pray for the conference attendees.
Pray for Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.
Pray for parents who have been affected by the books.
Pray for the parents sorting out information.
Pray for parents who feel tired out by the demands of parenting a newborn and may be vulnerable to advice that seems right in the short run but leaves them with regrets in the long run.
Pray that parents who do use the material will seek balance.
Pray for reconciliation for the Ezzo family.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
Some highlights from previous Ezzo blogging:
What Gary Ezzo Says About. . .
Evaluating Gary Ezzo’s Leadership
Babywise and Failure to Thrive
Loving Families and Reactive Attachment Disorder
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
Are the Ezzos still as popular as ever? . . . Do you think all the publicity has hurt his popularity at all?
Is Ezzo parenting still popular? It’s hard to gauge, in some ways. Babywise is selling like hotcakes according to Amazon. I’m also seeing a wider approval for BW among those who are being introduced to it outside of a church setting. I’m still seeing lots of young, Christian mothers (especially among the new generation of mamas) being advised to try it. GFI-Australia seems to be continuing to grow. I don’t know about the sales/popularity of the religious materials (renamed from GKGW* etc to “Let the Children Come Along the _______ Way.”)
On the other hand, as a business GFI has drastically downsized. They once had 30+ employees in California. At some point there was a scandal regarding embezzlement and a family member which Ezzo has said was a misunderstanding. They switched to operating from the Ezzo’s home in Cali, and a several years ago they moved to South Carolina. My understanding is they have an office in their home, employ a woman in the midwest who telecommutes, and outsources the shipping and promotion, etc.
I still meet enough young mothers (in real life and online) who find Babywise very alluring, in spite of the medical misinformation, Ezzo’s poor reputation, and the many families who at one point used Ezzo’s materials and then ditched them.
Many families who have at one time taught/used/supported Ezzo materials now don’t–and some actively warn against it. Like the Abels, who were in the early videos and very involved with GFI initially. Many of the Voices of Experience are from “Contact Moms” who were volunteers supporting and promoting the GFI materials.
I’ve had a couple of people ask why I’m so vocal about this–especially since it seems like Ezzo has been so thoroughly discredited it’s hard to imagine anyone following his ideas. But, I still meet moms on a regular basis who have seriously negative results after using Ezzo’s materials–like Lori, whose baby was hospitalized and dx’d FTT. Using flexiblity, common sense, and seeking advice from Ezzo moms she trusted. . . And many more mamas who lose their milk supply, or realize they’ve encouraged excessive crying, or babies who aren’t growing as they should, or mamas who are feeling stressed at the schedule not “working” and on and on. . . So whether or not Babywise and other Ezzo parenting materials are popular or not–they are still having an ongoing negative impact in many families.
I want to make clear that I know that parents who follow Ezzo parenting ideas, truly love their children and only want the best for them. Over time I have become more convinced that it is that love and dedication to raising their children that makes Ezzo parenting seem to “work” in some families. Yet, these materials are foundationally flawed and even unfailing love doesn’t prevent all the harm that can come to families via Ezzo parenting.
What do you think–is the influence of Babywise and Ezzo parenting still expanding in your community?
* GKGW refers to Growing Kids God’s Way which is now known as Along the Virtuous Way. Other parenting materials by Gary Ezzo include Babywise (aka Preparation for Parenting or Along the Infant Way) and others in the -Wise or Let the Children Come series. Confused yet? For more information, see Ezzo.Info.
Do you have a question for our Ezzo Week Question of the Day? E-mail me! EzzoWeek@gmail.com . Please let me know whether you want to be anon or if you want me to identify you and your blog.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
How do you handle it when you hear that someone uses and promotes Babywise? I was recently in an uncomfortable situation where someone was praising Babywise to a pregnant first-time mom. I was at a bit of a disadvantage because I was the “new kid on the block” and didn’t want to come across as snooty toward someone who is an established leader in the group. On the other hand, I could not let this clueless soon-to-be mama think Babywise was OK. I just said that I had friends who loved it and others who had terrible experiences. Then I shared a bit of your story. What do you do? Or what do you recommend?
It’s not easy being in a situation in which Babywise is being praised, when you know the very real problems associated with it.
The communication technique of feel-felt-found has helped me share my concerns while being respectful of other mothers. With this pattern you can acknowledge the very real fears that new mothers have–ones that Ezzo plays upon to persuade parents to use his materials. At the same time, it isn’t being disrespectful to other mothers who have used Babywise. It can provide an opportunity to share more either at that moment, or in the future.
Some examples:
“Sounds like you feel nervous about not knowing what to do with a new baby. I felt uncertain, too, before my first was born. I found that when I watched baby’s cues and responded with the care he needed, I became more confident.”
“You feel worried about how a new baby will change your marriage. I felt like my husband and I had no clue just what it would mean to our relationship to have a baby. But then we found that our love grew and we each gave to each other and to the baby so much. The dynamics changed, but our love didn’t.” (Babywise and other Ezzo materials very much plays on the fears of how baby will change the husband/wife relationship.)
“You feel fearful baby will never sleep and you’ll go crazy. When I heard about babies waking at night, I felt like that meant I’d be sleepless all the time. I found that even when baby still needed to nurse once or twice a night, I got enough rest–if I was careful not to stay up too late blogging!”
“When you hear about Babywise, you feel like it sounds great! A friend of mine felt the same way, but she found that it caused more problems than it was supposed to help.”
“You feel like Babywise will be great for your baby. I felt like it was a potential resource, too. But then I found Ezzo.info and the problems associated with Babywise.”
It sounds like you handled it well–considering the context, considering your relationship, and sharing what you could.
What other ideas do y’all have for when you’re in a socially uncomfortable position because of how Ezzo parenting is being promoted?
Do you have a question for our Ezzo Week Question of the Day? E-mail me! EzzoWeek@gmail.com . Please let me know whether you want to be anon or if you want me to identify you and your blog.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
It’s that time of year again for our much-anticipated annual Ezzo Week 2007 blog-a-thon!
As always, Ezzo Week here corresponds with Gary Ezzo’s Growing Families International National Leadership and Alumni Conference.* This year the conference will be held at Grace Pointe** in Naperville, Illinois, from July 19th through July 21st, 2007.
In recognition of this annual event, here at TulipGirl we will be featuring posts related to Gary Ezzo (of Babywise infamy) and his parenting teachings.
Feel free to jump in to the conversation here! Blog your own experiences and thoughts about Ezzo parenting. Or, pop on over to the AwareParent discussion board.
Wondering why we’d even bother with Ezzo Week? Start here.
And. . . a new addition to Ezzo Week 2007 is the QotD–each day I’ll try to answer a question asked by my adored (if not adoring) readership about Gary Ezzo and his parenting teachings. If you are interested in asking something–anything–to be part of our Question of the Day, feel free to e-mail me at EzzoWeek@gmail.com .
*Quite a mouthful to say, huh? Though I’m careful to type the whole title up after being chastised for using the shorthand of “Ezzo conference” several years ago.
**Grace Pointe has not indicated whether or not they support this conference. In years past the GFI Conference was held at churches which hosted but did not endorse Gary Ezzo.
Down memory lane. . .
Ezzo Week 2004 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2005 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2006 Announcement
Ezzo Week 2007 Announcement
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2007 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
Related Tags: gary ezzo, babywise, along the infant way, let the children come, ezzo parenting, growing kids gods way, gary and ann marie ezzo, gkgw, ezzo controversy
Nanny Katherine Ross wrote an article summarizing Babywise for the professional newsletter published by the International Nanny Association. While I haven’t found the newsletter available online, the author has made her article available in full.
It’s interesting to see thoughts of someone whose educational background and daily experience is focused on normal child development, as they evaluate some of the teachings of Gary Ezzo.
Want to read more? Check out the GFI / Ezzo / Babywise archives here at TulipGirl or the classic Ezzo.Info.
What About Mine?
When you cried as a little baby
Mom and daddy let you cry
Thought that that was the best way maybe
To make you grow all strong inside
Now that you’re older
You need someone’s shoulder
What about mine?Growing’ up your mind was closed
For repairs for a long long time
You could feel the loneliness in your hairstyle
Just like mine
Now that you’ve grown up
You still need that shoulder
What the hell are you waiting’ for?
It’s mineI promise not to chase you
Only to embrace you
I promise not to bug you
Only just to hug you all nightWhen you was a little baby
Mom and dad they let you cry
They thought that’s the best way maybe
To make you all strong inside
(Were they) wrong? (Yes)
Mine……What about mine?
Over at AwareParent.Net, is an interesting post about Gary Ezzo’s philosophy and theology. Click here to read the full post, and feel free to comment (registration there is quick and painless.)
My wife and I have just recently completed Gary Ezzo’s Growing Kids God’s Way course. We learned of it through a couple in our church, for whom the couse manual is like a second Bible and Ezzo the Vicar of Christ on earth (forget the pope!). Of course, I’m exaggerating; but my satirical comments capture something of the tone of the course. My wife talked me into signing up, though I had reservations about the course because of its immodest title. My fears were quickly confirmed after I read Ezzo’s introduction and sat through a couple of weeks of videos. I’ll make my general concern about the course as explicit as I can in what follows:
I am deeply troubled by the brand of virtue ethics espoused by Ezzo. I am pursuing a career as a philosopher of religion, so I know something about this stuff. Growing Kids God’s Way appears to be heavily influenced by Aristotle’s thought on the essence of the human being (the “rational animal”) and the ethical direction of human nature. In itself, this is not a bad thing - Christian theology and philosophy has, indeed, been influenced by Greek thought over numerous centuries. What troubles me is not the use of Greek categories per se, but the direction in which Ezzo’s theology takes virtue ethics - a direction that I think is dismally unbiblical.
. . .
I want to be clear about one thing first: I am not accusing Gary Ezzo of uncritically adopting Greek virtue ethics. One thing that I find on both sides of the unfortunately polemically named “Ezzo debate” is a lot of lack of attention to careful details in the other side’s position. What I am claiming here is that Ezzo’s theological “system”, if we can call it that, leans dangerously close to an unbiblical or extrabiblical account of human nature. The practical consequences of this theoretical fact, I think, are that Ezzo relies too much on the power of self-discipline and structure in the formation of human character to the exclusion of grace. I would even go so far as to say that his theological system is a sort of natural or rational theology window dressed with some hand-picked passages of Scripture that best fit the fundamental philosophical needs of the program.
I’m still reading, digesting, considering the points raised here. Your thoughts?
(Like the alliteration of that title?)
“Knowing your patients is one of the benefits of a practice in a small town,” (Dr. Arnold) Tanis said. . . The doctor, whose patients affectionately call him Dr. Bud, has 40 families that he has been seeing for three generations. “I’ll see a kid who’s causing terrible distress and I’ll look at the father and say `You did the same thing, you know.’”
As chairman of the Health & Accident Prevention Committee of the Florida Pediatrics Society, Tanis was part of the movement to get the state’s first child restraint law passed in 1979. . .
The pediatrician is also a staunch advocate of breastfeeding. “It is the healthiest, both for the mother and the baby,” he said.
Besides promoting safety and breastfeeding Dr. Tanis was among the pediatricians who early on questioned the soundness of the medical advice given in Gary Ezzo’s “Babywise.” This led to an AAP review and warning issued about scheduled feeding, such as what is promoted by Gary Ezzo.
See:
Resolution 53SC: Evaluating Infant Management Programs
Resolution 22T: Investigating the Ezzo Program and FTT Infants Associated With It
Dr. Tanis’s notes to The Florida Pediatrician
Read the full tribute to pediatrician Dr. Arnold Tanis .
The long-established, carefully documented website about the parenting teachings of author Gary Ezzo has been updated and reorganized.
I’ve been browsing through the site this evening and really like how easy it is to find key information.
Check out these sections:
FAQS
For Pastors
Quick Start Page
Concerns About Divisiveness
Voices of Experience (Updated!)
If you are a parent who is using Babywise or other materials by Gary Ezzo and wonders “what’s all the fuss about,” I encourage you to take some time and surf around Ezzo.Info.
Consider the stories of other parents, like you, who liked and used Ezzo’s materials and then discarded them. Take note of the documentation and references. And remember that more than any “parenting philosophy” out there, children grow up well when surrounded by parents’ love and God’s grace.
Q: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
A: UNBRIDLED MATERNAL DRIVE!
I want to express my gratitude to all of those who participated in Ezzo Week 2006, through blog postings, online awareness-raising, and real-life conversations.
I couldn’t keep up with all of the blog and forum postings during Ezzo Week. However, here are some more links from those who joined in:
Mary promotes Ezzo Week at BlogHer–thanks for highlighting concerns about Ezzo parenting and helping to spread the word!
I Want My Candy Back groups Ezzo with Newt Gingrich and Bill O’Reilly–and not in a favorable way!
Curious Goldie ponders trying Babywise on her puppy. . .
Indelible Grace clarifies some thoughts on Gary Ezzo. Her first two posts are here and here.
The Baby Blawg joins in Ezzo Week, too.
Seven Realms gives Ezzo Week a nod as well.
Ezzo makes the DollyMama’s “Three Things” list.
Jenn highlights some interesting things in her Ezzo Week post.
Jade boggles at what she sees in Babywise families, even as she prepares for her little one arriving soon. (Congrats!)
Some people have asked me why I still draw attention to the concerns about Ezzo parenting–after all, no one still actually follows Babywise, right? Sadly, that’s not the case, and several new parents are implementing Ezzo ideas wtih their little ones:
Ethan’s mommy talks about Babywise in the first week. As does Eliana’s parents in their post Sleepless Nights 101. And Bree is reading Babywise with her newborn. Eli’s parents give a four week report and praise to Gary Ezzo. And the Tidwell’s little one still isn’t born, but they’re wondering if Babywise becomes second nature.
Guess what? I’ve been named over on the EzzoTruth site!
I guess that means I’ve made the big time. (Thanks, Hank, for letting me know!)
While I haven’t quite earned the distinction of being spotlighted like Dr. James Dobson, Pastor John MacArthur, Hank Hanegraaff and Kathleen Terner, Frank York, Rebecca Prewett. .. still. . . singled out by name by Tom Reed and Gary Ezzo? I feel honored. *grin*
What earned me this distinction? I stumbled across a messageboard for alumni of a certain school, and saw someone on staff from Grace Community Church affirm that GCC’s original concerns regarding Gary Ezzo are ongoing and unresolved, and posted about them here at TulipGirl.
I considered it signficant that GCC’s concerns are current. Some have said that the problems with Gary Ezzo and his teachings have been addressed through revisions in his books and Ezzo “starting over” at a new church. Others have said that these character issues are of no current importance, as Grace Community Church’s original statement was in 1997 and the latest public statement was in 2002. (The church discipline and excommunication statements from Living Hope Evangelical Fellowship, Ezzo’s church following GCC, were published in 2000.) Ezzo’s character concerns are ancient history, some have implied.
When I saw someone from Grace Community Church affirm the church still considered the matter with Gary Ezzo unresolved and a significant concern, I believed that was noteworthy.
I did not contact the author of the post before making it public. After all, what is posted publicly online is considered to be in the public realm. To clarify the context, the author of the post was writing on an alumni discussion board, informally with people he knew, and did not realize his words would be distributed in the way they were. Hence, he used the imprecise phrase “disciplined out of our church.”
To state it precisely, Gary Ezzo was not “discipline out of” Grace Community Church.
However, the elders did meet Gary Ezzo and called him to accountability especially in regard to the content of his teaching. Gary Ezzo assured the GCC elders that he “was making himself accountable to a group of men he trusted–the pastor and elders of Living Hope Evangelical Fellowship (LHEF).” LHEF elders–those whom Gary Ezzo stated he trusted and was being accountable to–eventually proceeded to excommunicate him.
Grace Community Church did not excommunicate Gary Ezzo. However, the elders of GCC have stated “his departure from Grace Church left a disturbing number of conflicts unresolved and concerns unaddressed.”
Those are the actions taken. Consider them for what they are. Actions taken by a church and board of elders, in concern for a member and leader in the church. Church discipline?
Then reflect on the vigorous protests from Tom Reed of EzzoTruth about the wording “discipline out of” –claiming it to be “false, possibly to the point of absurd. . . erroneous and slanderous. . . the sin of lying about the Ezzos, spreading gossip, cheating them out a chance to defend themselves, and stealing their reputation. . .”
That is a pattern that has been commented on repeatedly by others–Gary Ezzo’s (and now Tom Reed’s) propensity to focus on a matter such as wording and to ignore the substance of an issue, like church discipline.
I did hesitate to remove the original statement from my blog—and honestly, it would have been wise to write what I’m writing now when I did remove it. I hesitated in removing it because of the very scenario which we are seeing played out right now: a vicious attack on the original poster in avoidance of the real issues.
Tom Reed states, “It was also posted to the anti-ezzo forum, TulipGirl on June 1st, 2005. She has since removed the post from her site after ezzotruth communicated with her about the documented evidence that [the original poster] lied, knew he lied, but did nothing to remedy the situation.”
In the interest of factual accuracy, Tom,
1. TulipGirl.com is my personal website and blog. This is not an “anti-ezzo forum,” though issues related to Gary Ezzo, GFI, and Babywise are discussed here and “Ezzo Week” has become an annual event.
2. Tom Reed’s “documented evidence” and veiled threats of legal action did not prompt the amendment on my blog.
3. I edited the post out of consideration for the orignal commentor. His words were intended for a small circle of friends, and reflected that Grace Community Church remains concerned about unresolved issues with Gary Ezzo–albeit through a regretable phrasing of words.
4. The fact that there have been disciplinary actions in regards to Gary Ezzo is indisputable.
Simply speaking, regardless of how it is worded or who states it, the truth remains that Gary Ezzo has a pattern of eschewing accountability and church discipline, and has unresolved issues related to both Grace Community Church and Living Hope Evangelical Fellowship.
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2006 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.
Hooray for all who are joining in the spirit of Ezzo Week 2006!
A scientist posts her thoughts–and feelings–in Ezzo, Ezzo Everywhere.
Issues of faulty theology and church discipline are raised at Indelible Grace.
And Pastor Bixby delivers! More, On the Cultic Mindest, Ezzoism, and Sleeping through the Night. (Related to this, if you haven’t yet read it you really must–More Than a Parenting Ministry: The Cultic Characteristics of Growing Families International.)
Sardinosongs muses about parents’ views of children and Ezzo.
And then there is a bit of Ezzo discussion, back-and-forth, on myspace. It seems Dara began it with a post which only mentions Ezzo in passing. (Btw, Focus on the Family does NOT endorse or produce the Ezzo materials.) The conversation grew, and seems to have spurred this post by Krystann.
Both Melanie and mommy to Maddy and Livy share the beginnings of their Babywise’ing. For little Livy that meant, “Due to our own faults, the rockings and holdings and walking around were getting ridiculous again and we decided to put our foot down and have Livy sleep trained once for all. The child screamed one hour and forty minutes straight yesterday. Ok, with only five minutes in between while she whimpered and gave daddy false hope that she’s “done” only to re-start her never-winding-down cries. I conceded after one hour and left the house to go grocery shopping. Fourty minutes later, daddy conceded and picked her up …”
And Hank promises us more updates on Gary Ezzo’s Growing Families International National Leadership & Alumni Conference* (which concluded this weekend.)
* Like I said, Hank, that’s quite a mouthful, huh?
This post is part of the Ezzo Week 2006 series, raising awareness about the concerns with “philosophy” of parenting promoted by Gary Ezzo.