“I hope you’re glad to be where you’re at
I don’t mind living where we are
It’s a suitable climate
A fine habitat for the yellow-haired monkeys in the yard
Yellow-haired monkeys in the yard

“A friend of mine, ya now he’s flat broke, just handed me a fat cigar
It’s a beautiful excuse for a celebrative smoke
It’s a yellow-haired monkey for the yard
Another yellow-haired monkey for the yard
Yellow-haired monkeys in the yard”

the Choir

Due late April 2012.

This is the book I wish had been published twenty years ago.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a mother, and I know I’ll make plenty more. Yet each year the Lord seems to help me see more clearly my need for the grace of the Gospel in my life and in my parenting. I’ve discussed with friends, with my pastor, at church potlucks, “What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?”

Increasingly these discussions of the Gospel and grace in parenting are taking place among moms in playgroups, in churches, on blogs.

But very few books have been published that really address this question in a fundamental way; very few books to pass along to friends and to say, “Hey, this really encouraged me to look to the grace of the Gospel as a mom.”

Enter Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica. (What a perk, writing as a team! One with the wisdom of experience, one with the fresh “this is what it feels like in the trenches” perspective.)

Key points that I really like about this book:

* Give them Grace differentiates between moralism and the Gospel: “Mormons, Muslims, and moralistic atheists all share the belief that law can perfect us, but Christians don’t. Christians know that the law can’t save us; what we need is a Savior.”

* It warns against formulaic parenting: “Giving grace to our children is not another formula that guarantees their salvation or obedience. Grace-parenting is not another law for you to master to perfect your parenting or your children.”

* It encourages going back to the what Christ has done (and often quotes one of my favorite books, The Jesus Storybook Bible), “please stop for a moment and ask yourself what percentage of your time is spent in declaring the rules and what percentage in reciting the Story.”

* It keeps reaffirming the centrality of the Gospel in all of Scripture, in all of life, “Parenting methods that assume or ignore the gospel are not Christian. The gospel must hold the center in all we think, do, and say with our kids.”

* It reminds us that we, as parents, need the Gospel, too: “In our hearts we know that’s true because the law hasn’t made us good, either, has it?”

* The questions for reflection at the end of each chapter really ARE good for reflection, not just “learn the answer, fill in the blanks”.

* Appendix Two: Common Problems and the Gospel. This is an excellent resource for helping parents re-frame their thinking and answer “What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?” Of course, considering the chart format, parents could slip into formulaic parenting. But it is more valuable as a resource than a harm, in my opinion.

That said, this isn’t quite the book that I hoped it would be. There are two main concerns that I have.

* I really wish this book had addressed children in the Covenant, and the theological implications of that. While I understand that this discussion would change the book and change the target audience, I had hoped this would have been at least discussed in part. Some of the sample conversations in the book between parent and child would have likely been a bit different had aspects of covenant theology been included.

* Give them Grace seems to lose sight of the fullness of what Christ has done when discussing punishment. I am disturbed by this sample conversation, “I am sad that I have to cause you pain. I know that you are sad too. I pray that you will understand that disobedience always causes pain. In fact, our disobedience caused the pain that Jesus felt on the cross, even though he had always perfectly obeyed and didn’t deserve to be punished.”

In effect, this sample conversation nullifies the punishment Christ bore on the cross for our sins and our children’s sins. It is communicating to the child, “even though Jesus paid for your sins, it wasn’t enough and you must be punished as well”. This seems to undermine the overarching theme of the book. “I have to cause you pain. . .” even though Jesus already took the punishment for your sin?

This isn’t a “to spank or not to spank” question, please don’t misunderstand me. Christians of good conscience and careful study of the Bible parent both with spanking and without spanking.

The issue is a theological one of equating the punishment of a child with the punishment of Christ, and communicating to the child that they MUST be punished — undermines how we communicate Christ’s full punishment for us. . . even their sins as little children.

In spite of these two concerns, I do give this book 5-stars and recommend it to Christian parents.

I remember some of the first parenting books I read twenty years ago, pulling them off the shelf when I was babysitting, reading them after the kids were in bed. Sadly, these Christian parenting books were devoid of the Gospel. They framed the parenting relationship for me in a way that led me to lose track of what was really important as a mother.

That has changed. “This is why you need Jesus, this is why Mommy needs Jesus. . .” these are the conversations I’ve been having through the years with my children. . . slowly, growing to this place of giving my children the Gospel of grace. . . imperfectly.

If only this book had been on the shelf 20 years ago. . .

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Permission is hereby granted to reprint and distribute “Avoiding Millstones”, provided it is reprinted/distributed in its entirety and without alteration (including this statement). In fact, readers are encouraged to distribute this article, in an attitude of prayerful humility, wherever appropriate.

Avoiding Millstones
An Open Letter to Those Who Advocate Spanking

by Rebecca Prewett

The following paragraphs, which I am including by way of introduction to my open letter, were excerpted from Westword. Please be forewarned that they are quite disturbing and upsetting to those of us whose hearts are tender towards children:

… Renee said she wanted to relinquish custody of David but that if she did so, it would ruin her marriage. Renee reportedly added that her husband didn’t share her belief that the boy had serious problems and that she felt he was being unsupportive…

One of Renee’s friends later told police that Renee had been afraid something like this would happen. According to adoption caseworker Kathy Edick, Renee said she’d told her therapist that “if she ever hit David, she wouldn’t be able to stop.”

__________________________________

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

Surely we are all sickened and horrified beyond words when we read accounts such as the one I’ve quoted above. Our hearts grieve for the children. Our souls grieve for the reproach this brings on the name of our Savior, the One Who not only welcomed children in love, but issued stern warnings against those who would harm and offend them:

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh! (Matthew 18:6-7)

Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in Heaven. (Matthew 18:10)

My purpose in writing this letter is not to argue whether or not spanking has its place in the Christian home. Instead, it is to appeal to those in the Body of Christ who teach and advocate spanking that you would do so responsibly, prayerfully, humbly, fearfully, and in a manner consistent with the whole counsel of God.

In the hope that God might use me in even the smallest way to prevent further tragedy, I beseech you to prayerfully consider teaching and advocating the following:

1. Please teach that some implements and objects should never be used to spank children. In Proverbs 23:13, we read, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.” Some take this verse to mean that any spanking implement should, by inference, be incapable of causing death or injury. Certainly common sense should tell us that some implements are dangerous and unsuitable.

2. Please teach that some parents, for the sake of their children and their own obedience to the instruction of our Savior, should not spank:

* those who lack emotional self-control and have not mastered their tempers. While “You should not spank when you are angry” is good advice, it may not go far enough. Some parents need to be told, “If you have a problem with anger, you should not spank.”
* those who are not genuinely grieved and distressed at the thought of spanking their beloved children. Our parents used to say, “This will hurt me more than it hurts you.” Although such a statement doesn’t make sense to children, a parent who does not find spanking grievous, but enjoys or derives some sort of satisfaction from it–who looks forward to an opportunity to spank in order to exert control–has no business spanking.
* those who have sinned by injuring their children–even slightly–in the course of spanking or any sort of discipline. It should go without saying that spankings should not cause injuries such as bruises and welts. However, there can be “hidden” injuries as well: spinal misalignment, shaken baby syndrome, etc. And let us not take lightly the possibility for spankings, wrongly administered, to injure the spirit of the child.
* those who lack parenting skills to the point that they believe spankings are the only way that they can “control” their children. In an online discussion, some mothers complained about not daring to spank their children in public. Apparently, these mothers had such a poor relationship with their children that, unless they could spank immediately, their children had absolutely no motivation to obey. Such parents, who tend to spank excessively, need to be taught an entirely different way to exercise godly authority.
* those who are harsh in spirit, especially those who are prideful and boastful of being strict disciplinarians–and who seem to derive satisfaction from causing their children to fear.
* those who are not distressed and sorrowful over the tears of their children. Unfortunately, many parents have trained themselves to harden their hearts against the cries of their children. (“His crying annoyed me so that I spanked him again.” “I’ve gotten used to letting my baby cry it out for however long it takes.”) Such parents often lack the ability to determine whether a spanking has become overly harsh or even abusive. It is frightening to what extent they will remain unmoved by the pain and distress of their injured little ones.
* those who lack tenderness and compassion towards their children, or who lack the ability to express love to their children in a meaningful way. Such parents are in danger of either provoking their children to wrath or breaking the spirits of their children, if not abusing them physically.

I’m sure rational Christians would all agree that those parents mentioned above should be counseled, rebuked where necessary–even brought under church discipline if there is unrepentant sin–and urged to cease immediately from spanking. They need to be taught godly alternatives.

In light of this, I would also humbly ask those who advocate spanking to consider prayerfully whether they know their audience well enough to instruct them on this topic. Some spanking advocates seem to teach as if their audience consisted mainly of permissive wimps who need to be exhorted, with almost evangelistic fervor, to spank. However, we must all consider if a mother who is, to quote a real example, raising welts under her baby’s diaper (welts she described as making her “want to puke”) really needs more encouragement to spank. I would beg you, unless you are fully certain before God that your message about spanking could not possibly be used to justify abuse, that you would consider either altering your message or only teaching it to those whom you know personally. And, even then, we must be careful. I’m sure that none of us want to experience the horrible anguish and regrets that Lynn Roche, mentioned in the newspaper article quoted above, must feel.

3. Please teach that parents who spank should do so in an attitude of grief over sin and in an attempt to model both the justice and mercy of God. Hebrews 12:6 is often quoted as teaching us that we must discipline our children if we love them. I would argue that it also teaches us that any form of discipline, even spanking, must be an expression of godly love, as beautifully defined in 1 Corinthians 13.

4. Please teach the whole counsel of God. Do not allow parents to be misled into believing that “chastisement” and “spanking” are synonyms, or that spanking is either a divine commandment or the only Biblically appropriate form of discipline.

5. Please do not attempt to bind the consciences of those who resist the idea of spanking their children. Perhaps God, Who knows their frailties, has given them their conviction against spanking for a reason.

6. Please teach the following words of our God and Savior Jesus Christ:

Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh! Wherefore if thy hand or they foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in Heaven. For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost. (Matthew 18: 3-11)

May it never be said that those who name the name of Christ are advocating anything less–or more–than what He would have us teach. And may our hands or feet–or words–never be a source of offense to little ones.

May none of us be worthy of millstones!

Your sister in Christ,

Rebecca Prewett
Mother of six
Developer of “Our Corner of the Web” (http://www.fix.net/~rprewett) an Internet site featuring resources of interest to Christian families

UPDATE: Renee Polreis was convicted and sentenced for the murder of her adopted son. Although her defense, in essence, attempted to blame the toddler for his own death, the jury found Mrs. Polreis guilty. She since appealed, and lost. Some of her friends insist that the child was suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder and that he literally beat himself to death. It seems that the courts continue to disagree.

ADDITIONAL UPDATE: It has come to my attention that some readers have misinterpreted the above article to mean that I equate all spanking with abuse. I believe that a careful reading of what I wrote should make clear that this is not my position.

Douglas Wilson, in his book Standing on the Promises, offers much wisdom on the topic of discipline. I’m going to quote some of the statements that seem especially apropos to this article:

Discipline is corrective; it seeks to accomplish a change in the one being disciplined. Punishment is meted out in the simple interests of justice

It is not enough to have a context of love surrounding all acts of discipline. The discipline itself is to be done in a loving way. If a parent has the attitude of “Let me at that kid!” and is angry or embarrassed, he is spiritually disqualified to administer the discipline. When the parent is qualified to discipline, he probably does not feel like it, and when he feels like it, he is probably not qualified. This is why discipline must be applied in obedience to God’s Word, and not in a an emotional reaction to a particular situation.

Obviously Renee Polreis was not spiritually qualified to discipline her son. My entire point of this article was to admonish those who advocate spanking to be cautious and wise in helping their audience determine whether they are spiritually qualified to spank their children.

On a further note, I’ve been asked several times via email some rather personal questions about our family’s disciplinary practices. After giving it considerable thought, I’ve decided that two answers are in order to any who would ask in the future:

1. How complete strangers on the Internet discipline their children should not enter into any parents’ decision making process on this important issue.
2. It is important for me to respect the privacy of my children, especially as they are growing older. I consider any sins and failings on their part and the resultant discipline to be something that I should not trumpet forth to strangers, especially since these failings would be forgiven by the time I would be answering questions posed via email. My children (those old enough to voice opinions) tend to agree.

copyright 1997 by Rebecca Prewett

“It is easy to forget that parenting, much like going to the nations to make disciples, is an act of faith. It is not a contract with God where God says if you do this, then your children will turn out how you want. (Keep in mind that Proverbs are proverbs; not promises.) There is no such guarantee. I do what I do with my children because God tells me to, not because doing so guarantees a certain outcome. I do so in obedience and in faith. But I can only see my children from a human perspective; I cannot see their hearts as God can.”

–Keren, Beauty in Every Place

___________

At this stage in my life, so much of my reading and studying is filtered through the perspective of mothering. This includes my studying of the Bible and theology. I find the deeper I dig into God’s Word, the more light it shines on my life–and how I ought to mother.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:1-2

“Brothers. . .” This passage is written to Believers. As parents, God has given us special responsibility towards our children. But they are also our “brothers” and in the Covenant.

Kristen recently wrote,

We went to Ash Wednesday services at the beginning of Lent with Kate at the episcopal church around the corner (we missed liturgy) and when the priest put ashes on her little forehead, it really made an impact on me. As much as I am her mother, I am also her sister in Christ. This has been really helpful to me in thinking through parenting issues. Most Christians wouldn’t serve wine to a fellow Christian who was a recovering alcoholic. Why do they discipline their children and then set them up to do the same things again?

In his commentary on Galatians, Martin Luther clarifies that “caught in sin” is not speaking about doctrinal errors, “but about far lesser sins into which people fall not deliberately, but through weakness.” As our children are learning right from wrong, they will sin. As they are growing through various stages of development, they will have greater or lesser control over their impulses.

Luther goes on to say, “is caught in imply being tricked by the devil or sinful nature.” Sinful nature, temptation, weakness, developmental stages–remembering these sins of our children are part of their weakness helps me respond to them with compassion.

Luther states, “Paul therefore teaches how those who have fallen should be dealt with–namely those who are strong should raise them up and restore them gently.” I don’t always feel “strong” or “spiritual.” Often I feel weak and struggling myself. But it is my responsibility to raise my children and be strong for them. We have no trouble with the idea of parents being a “mama bear” protecting her young child. I also want to be strong spiritually to correct them gently, to be the “mama bear” to help my children when they are struggling with sin.

It’s interesting to note that this passage is immediately proceeded by the admonitions to walk in the Spirit and the list of the fruit of the Spirit– love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These should be on my mind as I restore my children gently.

Luther reinforces the idea of this passage reminding us of “the fatherly and motherly affection that Paul requires of those who have charge over souls.”

What does “restoring gently” look like? Luther explains, “when they see that those persons are sorrowful for their offenses, they should begin to raise them up again, to comfort them, and to mitigate their faults as much as they can—yet through mercy only, which they must set against sin, lest those who have fallen are swallowed up with depression.” And “. . .gently, and not in the zeal of severe justice.”

To be honest, at times I’ve had Christian mothers advocate some child-training approaches that seemed to have more of the “zeal of severe justice” than how Luther describes the Holy Spirit’s correction, “mild and pitiful in forbearing.”

After restoring gently, we are told to “carry each other’s burdens.” I see this, in light of mothering, as an especial entreaty to know our particular children and their particular weaknesses.

One of my sons is insecure around lots of guests–and he has responded in the past by getting very loud, climbing on furniture, and even hitting a guest. I’ve found that to carry his burden means I prepare him beforehand for our guests, and I hold his hand when they arrive, until he is comfortable and calm. Another son is prone to lash out at his brothers when he is angry. Bearing his burden has meant praying with him and for him, helping him recognize when he feels anger rising, and giving him strategies to deal with that anger without hitting. And it has meant letting him know it’s good to come to me and say, “Mommy, I’m angry” so I can help him not sin in his anger.

Also in this encouragement to carry one another’s burdens, it strikes me how wrong it is to follow the child-training technique of placing a child in a situation of temptation–to test him and see whether he can withstand it (or be punished.) This method is encouraged by some for training toddlers and preschoolers, and seems to be very contrary to bearing the burdens of temptation.

Luther also comments on this passage that sometimes in bearing with one another, things need to just be let go–“These people are the ones who are overtaken by sin and have the burdens that Paul commands us to carry. In this case, let us not be rigorous and merciless, but follow the example of Christ, who bears and forbears these burdens. If he does not punish them, though He might do so with justice, much less ought we to do so.”

“And watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. . .” For parents, I see this as a two-fold warning. First, to be gentle, not be angry—the caution here illustrates how very easy it is to slip into being harsh.

And also I see the warning not to be tempted to pride. When we become concerned about appearing to be “good parents” it is easy to slip into correcting harshly, minutely. This is one of the areas in which I struggled a lot, especially when my children were smaller. And especially when we were guests in churches and people’s homes. I felt pressure (from myself even more than others) for my kids to be perfect and “prove” we were worthy to be missionaries. That pressure tempted me both into pride in my children’s good behaviour, as well being overly picky and correcting unnecessarily.

The end of these verses is “in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” As Martin Luther said,

“After Christ had redeemed us, renewed us, and made us his church, he gave us no other law but that of mutual love. To love is not to wish one another well, but to carry one another’s burdens–that is, things that are grievous to us, and that we would not willingly bear. Therefore, Christians (parents!) must have strong shoulders and mighty bones, so they can carry their brother’s weaknesses. . . Love, therefore, is mild, courteous, and patient, not in receiving, but in giving, for it is constrained to wink at many things and to bear them.

Footnote: Quotations are from the Crossway Commentary series, Martin Luther on Galatians. Luther’s commentary is also available online, in a variant translation.

The boys ran to me and said, “Mom, mom! There is an ambulance outside!” They were looking out their bedroom window, watching the commotion in front of our next door neighbor’s house.

They wanted to go outside. Get a closer look.

I didn’t know what was going on. . . “Boys, give them space. Give them privacy. We’ll find out what is going on later.”

Ambulances signal emergency. In this case, it was a tragedy.

.

Earlier this week I read about Job’s friends. They often get derided for the counsel they gave Job. But before they said anything? “they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.”

I didn’t sit with Janice. I cried, but didn’t raise my voice and tear my clothes. Honestly, I don’t know how to weep with those who weep. We went to Derek’s memorial service. The community was there; friends, family mourning for Derek and his family and the other kids around here who are struggling in so many ways.

.

One traditional proverb a friend in Ukraine shared with me is “Little children, little problems. Big children, big problems.” My children are still pretty young. I like to think they are immune from the hurt and pain and problems in life. While I know that isn’t true, part of me still hopes it is. But it reminds me of what my mother has told me, what was recently echoed by my pastor,

“It is surprising how seldom books on parenting talk about prayer. We instinctively believe that if we have the right biblical principles and apply them consistently, our kids will turn out right. But that didn’t work for God in the Garden of Eden. Perfect environment. Perfect relationships. And still God’s two children went bad.

“Many parents, including myself, are initially confident we can change our child. We don’t surrender to our child’s will (which is good), but we try to dominate the child with our own (which is bad). Without realizing it, we become demanding….

“Until we become convinced we can’t change our child’s heart, we will not take prayer seriously….”

Paul E. Miller, A Praying Life

“Children do not accidentally become righteous leaders or emotionally healthy and productive adults -– any more than seeds thrown randomly to the wind grow to be part of a thriving garden. Simply throwing children into a cultural tornado and hoping for the best gives them little chance of living up to their potential or coming out unharmed.

Someone needs to take responsibility for their nurture, protection, nourishment, intellectual development, manners, recreation, personal needs, and spiritual development. Someone needs to commit time and energy into staying close to them as they grow, encouraging and correcting and teaching.”

–Sally Clarkson via MbG

Years ago, a friend lent me some cassette tapes (remember those?) with Sally Clarkson sharing encouragement about homeschooling. I remember it was just the right bit of mommy-inspiration for that time. Clay and Sally Clarkson continue to communicate the Gospel, nurturing parents and children.

Happy birthday, Sally!

I listened to your talking, I believed in what you said…but I only saw the back of your head.
…
I wouldn’t have been misguided, I wouldn’t have been misled…but I only saw the back of your head.
…
Well, you promised me a lot of stuff that you never could keep,
You said you were a friend, but you’re a wolf among the sheep,
You said you’d do your best for me, to keep me clothed and fed…but I only saw the back of your head.

Speaking of, April 20 – 26 is Turnoff Week. It started as Turn-off-the-TV week. . . but now they are promoting “screen time awareness.” So, I guess that means the wii, nintendo, dvds, computers. . .

(Via Carol)

We’ve forgotten what Luther said. We don’t parent to demonstrate the Gospel — to show those around us how beautifully we can do it all. No, we parent because it is the Gospel — because God takes us in as foundlings, lifts us up as His own, loves us even when we stink, puke, and screach, and He dresses us, carries us, and loves us.

It’s not about showing. It’s about loving. It’s not about beauty. It’s about serving the smallest and the littlest in the darkest part of the night when there’s no one is up except us and that wee one and God.

– Camille

Read the rest here.

.

Lord, let my life be a reflection of the Gospel, especially in my relationships with my husband and children.

“but when i start the day praying “God help me, help us all today, to love each other and show kindness to each other,” i remember THAT instead when the more hands-on discipline takes place . . . obviously, not always, but most of the time setting myself up for success this way first thing in the morning and throughout the day is a simple way to remember a simple thing, that loving each other and showing kindness pretty much solves all of the problems in the house.”

–mollie

I collect bits of mommy-inspiration, as I explained to a friend this week, because the Lord uses them to keep my eyes on Him and keep my heart on my children when I’m struggling and stressing and reaching the point of burn-out.

The above quote really reached my heart today. Reminded me of what my mother modeled and how much I’ve come to understand what she meant by prayer being such an integral part of parenting.

Simply looking to the Lord first, turning to Him in prayer. . . Loving each other, showing kindness. . .

That’s a common question around here — at least, when I cook, which isn’t quite as often as it used to be.  Over time, having a Kitchen Helper has become a special time to work together, talk together, be together.  Tonight, R9 was my kitchen helper.  We made hummus, with chickpeas that we thawed from the freezer.  Hummus and fresh veggies.  Yummm!  That’s been enough for a summer dinner at times.

But tonight it’s overcast and windy, even though we are feeling just the very edges of Ike.  So we made comfort food, too.  A big wok full of potatoes, onions, and sausage.  I cut the veggies and my kitchen helper stirred them, keeping them from burning and telling me when they were ready.  Much of my cooking these days is impromptu, so I’m hoping that the boys are learning not just basic culinary skills, but also the abilty to look into the fridge and figure out what could be prepared that is somewhat nutritious.  Hummus and sausage?  Not exactly traditional combinations, but it worked tonight.

I’ve been reading “Hold On To Your Kids:  Why parents Need To Matter More Than Peers,” which my friend Carol gave to me.  I’m still in the first few chapters, and so far it is very insightful.  And it has made me thankful for the rituals we have in our family — rituals like Who wants to be my kitchen helper?

Thank you for sharing with such transparency, Jo.

QUOTE:

“You want to talk fruits of a parenting? Let’s compare and contrast myself with…oh MY PARENTS. My mother is a faithful and avid reader of NGJ. She adores the Pearls and when I first became a mother made it very clear that to be a good mother I needed to adhere to their methods as well.

“While I was not raised specifically by TTUAC because it was not yet written, I was raised in that same method, in that same Christian culture and my mother certainly does adhere to TTUAC methods with the 5 she is currently raising.

“So, let’s see. Mom has 3 adult children and 1 on the verge with which to judge her parenting. Oh but wait, she doesn’t speak to her adult children anymore. We’re too dysfunctional and of this world now for her to have time for. And, for our own part, we happen to believe she should have been locked up for her selfish parenting and her child abuse…oh, that’s right, the Pearls call it Biblical parenting. My sister’s therapist recently called it battery acid. I thought that was a good description.

“So, my mother has 3 thriving healthy adult children whom she has no contact with whatsoever. She has 8 (with a 9th on the way) grandchildren, all of which she is forbidden to have any contact with. Her 17 year old is desperately waiting to finish high school next year so he can get out of her house and has NO intention of speaking to her once he leaves. Her 14 year old hates her and tells me this via emails when she gets a chance. Her 12 year old…well, he’s attempted to run away repeatedly now. Verdict is still out on the 11 and 10 year olds. But, to be quite honest, that’s not a track record I would want for my parenting of 8 children. At least 5 either have no contact or openly state they will have no contact once they are old enough to leave her home.

“Good, Pearl Biblical parenting at work for you, ladies. I lived it. I should know.

“Meanwhile, I subscribe to a gentler, more loving parenting style. I prefer to parent as if Jesus were actively watching me and actively reminding me that I must be like a child to enter the Kingdom myself.

“My children are amazing. I don’t just say this as a proud mother. My youngest son’s therapist informed me Thursday he’s NEVER met children like mine. Church members weep to see the beauty of my children. Heck, I weep to see the beauty that God has blessed me with in these children.

“Oh, therapist you say. Yes, see my youngest son is still a fosterchild. He has huge demons in his heart and soul still. We’re still fighting. No, we’re not waiting for the countdown until we can spank him. We’re fighting to help him heal.

“And, here is the TRUE mark of my children for you. This week, my son’s therapist told us to give up on him. Told us the cost to save him will be too great for the other children to pay.

“Being good parents, we discussed this with the other children. Afte rall, the fight to save and heal this one will take the largest toll on these children. I honestly expected at least a few of the children to say yes, we must give up.

“They didn’t. And, they had no reason to feel they had to say something *we* expected, because we are honestly weak and fragile and aren’t sure we can help this child heal.

“Nope. My children clearly demonstrated the love of Christ in a way I had forgotten in the trenches with this hurting child. They unanimously told us we MUST carry on. They LOVE him, even though they know he does not love them. And, as far as they are concerned, his life is worth what it will cost them. Furthermore didn’t we, mommy and daddy, remember that this is precisely what Jesus would have us do? This is what Jesus wanted us to do And, no matter how naughty and difficult this child is, Jesus still loves him and we must too.

“I’m not a perfect parent. Far from it, honestly. But, I didn’t spank this fruit of the Spirit into my children. I showed them by example what it means to live a life in the shadow of the Cross. And, they have chosen to find their own path to that Cross and to live a life always conscious of what their Savior would have them do. I didn’t stand and attempt to BE their Savior, as Pearl would tell us we should. I merely allowed my life to be an example to point the way to that Cross. Their Savior found them, each and every one of them, he claimed them and they have chosen to follow HIM, not me, HIM.

“And, unlike Micheal Pearl, when my children went to that Cross to find their Savior, they never found me there telling them I represented their Savior. They found a merciful and loving God one they have chosen to follow. And, today, one they have chosen to remain in obedience to even at a high cost to themselves to fight for the heart of a little brother who has never known true love and true commitment and safety before entering this home and being surrounded by these siblings.

“Now, I’m sorry. But, for me the question of whether to follow Micheal Pearl or my Christ is a very simple answer. I look at my parents who followed Pearl and I see the fruits of their labors. And, I look at my children, whom have been raised with the love and mercy that a forgiving and protective Creator would have them raised in. I see fruits in my children which humble me. I see hearts in tune with their Creator in ways I can only wish to be. And, I realize quite simply that Micheal Pearl has missed the mark.

“Hurting children? Yup, missing the mark and deciding to be the Savior for your children is definitely hurting children. I should know. I was one of those children hurt by this parenting method.

_________

Thank you, Jo, for sharing from such a vulnerable place in life. May God continue to heal your family and your children — as well as your parents and siblings still struggling.

Yet, Ann at Holy Experience walks her readers through what the Lord has done in her family’s life in the area of growing beyond perfectionism and embracing the Gospel in parenting.

Just a snippet, but read the whole thing:

Perfectionism

Sometimes we must speak or the stones will cry out. I have cried. It is now time to speak. To speak of our family’s personal experiences applying the teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl. . . .

ALWAYS OBEY—NO MERCY

I am not faithfully, unfailingly obedient. I fail…miserably. Often. You know it, Lord. The letters on the screen eddy in pools of tears, testifying.

Then why did I ever think our children could be perfectly obedient? 100% of the time?

I read and understood:

“If he [disobeys], spring into the room with your little switch and pop him on the bare legs one or two times. No anger on your part—no raised voices. Just make it more pleasant to stay in bed. Never allow him to get his way.… Train them right and they will always obey.” (NGJ, Vol 1, pg 7)

Always? Unwavering obedience? And if not, were more switches were necessary? That seemed to be the Pearl premise.

Do you not train me well enough, Lord? I don’t obey You without fail, Father. And You are an infinitely better Father to me than I am a Mother to these children. Then why did I think I could have “always” obedience from these precious ones? You discipline me, Lord— but always in the context of mercy and love—and a Cross.

Ann V., Holy Experience

Read the rest here.

Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.

Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry ’til you’re better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
‘Tis the Spirit’s rising beam.

Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.

–TH 472

The other night I had the most pleasant dream. The whole family was together and we were singing hymns. It wasn’t voice-tiring. I remember in my dream looking up a hymn in the first-line index that started with “Come. . .” but can’t remember which hymn it was. (In the dream hymnal it was #3, but in the Trinity Hymnal, #3 doesn’t start with “Come. . .”)

One of the things I’m most thankful for is a friend who gave us a copy of the Trinity Hymnal when the boys were little. Thats when we started singing hymns together during our morning circle time. J was a preschooler, T a toddler, and R an infant. That was a hard year for me, with a pretty rough case of unrecognized post-partum depression. Singing with the boys renewed my soul. And it still does.

Establishing the Nighttime Normal “I have often wondered what factors contributed to our culture’s present obsession with babies sleeping through the night. Certainly the use of formula must be one catalyst. The expectation that most women will return to work is, most likely, another. As a mother of three I can without a doubt say that the most popular question, asked by anyone and everyone, is, “Does he sleep through the night yet?”"

Looking to Science for the Norm “How can that be a coincidence? Infants wake to feed at the same rate as adults go in and out of deep sleep? I sense a Creative Designer behind this marvelous phenomenon.”

Co-sleeping: The Historical Norm? “[T]here are researchers studying mother-infant sleep from many perspectives, and that their conclusions fit with the way we mothers were wired – as tender, nurturing, life-givers.”

Co-sleeping: Acceptance and Diversity “I agree with the proposition that more of us “co-sleep” than we realize, however different it may look different from family to family. . . . as much as I am a proponent of the family bed and co-sleeping, it has taken a slightly different form here in our house.”

Related:
Nightwaking
Parenting Freedom: Sleep
KellyMom: Nighttime and Sleep
Parenting Freedom: Sleep Training
Woman to Woman, Helen E. Aardsma
Mothering in the Shadow of the Cross

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Listen to me…
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:3,4 NIV

We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us,
O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:20-22 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD,
is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
Isaiah 12:2 NIV

Peace I leave with you;
my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27 NIV

As a two friends announces the joy of a coming babies, as my sister enters her last month of pregnancy, and as another friend prepares to hold her daughter tomorrow, these are my prayers for the pregnant women in my life. (Borrowed from Parenting Freedom)

“Paddock’s siblings and the daughters in the foster home where social workers placed Paddock described her as timid and shy. They said she had a tendency to follow the lead of others and never stuck up for herself.

Judy Blazek, one of the daughters in the foster home where Paddock was sent at age 14, said that it didn’t surprise her that Paddock would discipline her children following the instruction of a minister who wrote about child rearing.

Paddock “wanted her family to be perfect. So she would pretty much follow any book or any suggestion that you gave her on helping these children through life. I see her spanking them to get them to be perfect.”

Reported by Mandy Locke

How many times have we as loving, Christian mothers wanted our “family to be perfect”?

Even when we know that we are not, cannot be perfect–what is it in us that desires for that perfection in our families? A desire to measure up? Measure up to our churches’ standards, our subculture’s standards, our own internalized standards?

Seeking that idealized family, how many of us have turned to the Pearls, the Ezzos, the Phillips, the Bauchams. . . or whoever currently has a voice and paints a pretty picture of an ideal family?

Not that we shouldn’t seek encouragement. . . certainly we have much to learn from one another, especially from those who have been there, done that and gone the distance.

But it is so easy to become entangled in the yoke of bondage, enslaved to ideals devised by men and women. We seek perfection, instead of the Perfect One. We want to earn approval, at the least from ourselves–and isn’t that in reality trying to earn approval from God?

We are called to raise our children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. This is a good thing. But when a good thing becomes an ultimate thing, as Tim Keller describes, it become an idol.

As well meaning as Lynn Paddock is. . . as well meaning as Michael Pearl is. . . isn’t this the heart of the issue? The idolatry of the “perfect family” removing our focus from Christ?

May we all take heed. Repent. Know that we don’t have to “measure up” or have the “perfect family,” because Christ and His righteousness are already ours, by His amazing grace. May we rest in Him in our daily struggles as families, growing closer to Him and each other.

T10 is a budding cetologist. Like I told Carol, maybe it was because Baby Beluga was one of our favorite lullabies?

It seems as if the Lord is bringing forth new life in so many families around us. What a joy! What a reminder of His blessings! I want to especially rejoice in the births of Marlowe and Connar.

And we are continuing to wait (not for long, though!) with Heather and Aliza. Just a few more months, and more babies will be born (including those to non-blogging friends!)

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.”

The Lord reveals an aspect of His nature to us both in word and in the examples we see in His creation.

May the mothers and children around us be the living illustrations of God’s goodness, faithfulness, and lovingkindness; and may we look to the God of all comfort in our everyday needs.

(Artwork by Cathy Rositano)

When the boys were toddlers, we started having a “morning circle time” ala waldorf/montessori which included singing hymns from our red Trinity Hymnal. As I don’t read music well, we started with hymns with familiar tunes. O Worship The King was one we sang frequently.

Today one of the boys was very upset, the kind of upset that breathing gets ragged and it is hard to calm down. In our family, no one cries alone–unless they want to be alone. So I was cuddling with him and silently praying. . . words just weren’t appropriate. So I sang softly to him, his special lull-a-bye song, Baby Beluga, Amazing Grace and O Worship the King. His breathing became calm during O Worship the King. We prayed together, and he went out to play.

It is worth the time to listen and reflect.

Related to that, in another discussion, I posed these questions:

How are our actions and what we communicate to our children reflecting what we believe? Are our actions in discipline consistent with our theology? Are we pointing to a Gospel that is completely dependent upon Christ and what He has done for us?

What we believe impacts how we live in our everyday lives.

As a parent, I have learned a lot. As a parent, I have re-visited how I was parented and how I behaved as a child. Of course, sin mars all we do, and there were mistakes I made as a child that I wish I could erase. While Christ has forgiven me for them, they remain in my memory.

It is the same thing with being a parent. I am sure that someday, I will have even more regrets than I do already for things done and not done.

One thing I can say, however, in encouragement to you who have yet to be parents is this: encourage your children.

There is nothing more devestating than being a child who never gets any encouragement for what he does. Some parents will tell all their friends how wonderful their children are, but will never tell the child to her face. Some parents are full of criticism, condemnation, and rules that have no rational explanation, and the kid never know which way is up. I know that I have not always been encouraging as a parent. I need to daily, verbally, emotionally, and even with a hug, encourage my kids.

Kids who grow up with no encouragement may become people who don’t encourage. Kids who grow up with unmerciful, legalistic rules may become unmerciful, legalistic people. I have been married long enough to know how difficult it is to shed the baggage from my childhood. Sometimes, without meaning to, we simply mimick parenting we received. Now, if it’s good parenting, that’s one thing, but all too often we repeat the mistakes of our parents. We need to pray to God for deliverance from ungodly parenting ways.

So, young people, when you become parents — and that is not all that far in the future, you know; just think how fast the past ten years have gone and you will realize how fast the next ten are going to go — ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN. Tell them when they’ve done well. Discipline them IN LOVE AND WITH MERCY when they make mistakes. And love them fiercely.

Through it all, we learn to lean into the Lord. . . to trust Him. . . to turn to Him in prayer and humility and rest. . .

And we are free! Free from philosophies, free from rules. . . free to turn to the Lord and grow into the mothers He has called us to be!

I have found it freeing to learn and study and seek wisdom–both the direct revelation in the Bible as well as revelation in God’s creation. One resource as we seek the Lord in our ministry of mothering is the website Parenting Freedom. This site is newly online, but the mother behind it has long been sharing mothering encouragement with me and others. I appreciate her willingness to learn, grow, seek the Lord and find freedom in parenting.

I encourage you to visit the website, be encouraged by the Scripture, be challenged by the research, and know you have freedom to seek the Lord as you nurture the children He has given you.