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April 30, 2005

What Every First-time Mama Needs to Know. . .

Written by a fourth-time mama. . .

BERYL'S POSTPARTUM GUIDE FOR FOURTH-TIME MOMMIES

Essential Equipment:
One crib-for baby not to sleep in because he'd rather sleep with you, he doesn't want to take a nap right now, etc.
One car seat-for all those places you wanted to go after the baby was born, only now you'd rather stay home and take a nap.
Two arms and a lap-for cuddling baby.

Toys:
One father and several siblings will keep a baby entertained practically forever.

Clothes:
For a summer baby: five dozen diapers and six undershirts.

Housework:
Delegate and ignore.

Privacy:
Stand in the baby's room and say, "It's a poopie diaper-who wants to help me change it?" You'll have instant privacy as every family member disappears.

Sex:
Set your alarm for 2 am and make it a quickie.

Diapering:
Put one half of the baby's diaper in front, and the other half in back. Fasten it at the waist with something. It it falls off, you did it wrong.

Feeding:
Put the breast and the baby in close proximity to each other. They'll make contact.

Meal Preparation:
Serve only meals that can be prepared with one hand.

Marriage Counseling:
With the ratio of children to parents at four-to-two, you have to get along, or the kids will win!


I read this years ago in Mary Pride's "All the Way Home," and singing mom helped me find it again.

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Comments

it has been a HUGE comfort knowing that i already have: a sling, a big bed, a few old onesies, some cloth diapers (even if i do WANT diff ones) and plenty of floor space. even nicer knowing it's all i need. i have splurged on a few pair of moccasins at the thriftstore - but those are so easy to store - and WHO CAN RESIST well worn leather! :)

Posted by: mtnmama at April 30, 2005 11:49 PM

"One father and several siblings will keep a baby entertained practically forever."

Ahh, but if oldest sibling takes baby outside to play on a frequent basis, then if you move from the house you are renting, old landlady will write poison pen letter giving reasons for refusing to return deposit, one of which reasons are that HRS nearly called because older sibling practically raised baby while mother is accused of staying inside eating bon-bons and drinking coffee. No joke, that's what our landlady said when I was little.

Posted by: kathryn at May 1, 2005 03:35 AM

Hysterically funny and oh SO true!

Posted by: Andrea at May 1, 2005 09:12 AM

My word...if I have to think of when I became a mom for the first time. All the stuff I bought and never used. Baby truly just needs his family..that's about it in the beginning

Posted by: Melany at May 1, 2005 11:10 AM

Pretty funny!

Posted by: Megan at May 1, 2005 11:17 AM

This is great! The privacy thing cracked me up!

Posted by: Thia at May 1, 2005 11:44 AM

Where, oh, where were all of you 7 years ago when I was Prepping for Parenting (Ezzoing)?! I managed not to screw it all up, but #3 has been much easier with all you dangerous, not-doing-it-God's-way AP-ers to look to for advice!!!

(Yes, tongue is firmly in cheek!)

Posted by: Jema at May 1, 2005 02:48 PM

Jema--I read this YEARS before Prep. I still fell prey to the Ezzo crud. But the "Two arms and a lap-for cuddling baby" had stuck in my head, and we were big cuddlers. It didn't undo the harm, but I think it lessened the problems we *could* have had. . .

I don't think I've ever read about your Prep experiences. Have you written them up online?

Posted by: TulipGirl at May 1, 2005 06:03 PM

Thanks for posting that! Very good timing for me...

Posted by: Amie at May 1, 2005 07:36 PM

Hi, I'm Tracy. I've been lurking for a bit. I'm still new to blogging and blogs and everything, but found your blog somehow and started reading.

After seven years without a baby in the house, my first thought was not that I needed the crib set up (I just wrote about this one, actually- it's not up and the baby is over a year old now)- but that I needed a new sling! And I long ago learned not to look too closely at diapers on the baby when my husband did the changing.

Anyway, I thought I'd pipe up and say hello - I hope to continue reading and saying hi once in a while!

Posted by: Tracy at May 2, 2005 04:08 AM

My Ezzo experiences weren't as dramatic as some. It worked perfectly for our first child -- she happened to be that type of child who thrived on scheduling. Our second child was colicky, that was where the first few chinks in my wall of faith in the Ezzo's wisdom began. The Ezzos seem to teach that there is really no such thing as colic, that if you're doing it "right", you won't have a colicky baby. So I had guilt that I wasn't doing it right. But then we moved in with Jim's grandpa and we just did whatever we needed to do to keep her quiet so as not to disturb Grandpa. We never had problems with failure-to-thrive or anything like that. I still liked the parenting principles in the GKGW classes, but I always got a bad feeling about the whole premise that they were teaching God's way and all others (Christian parenting teaching) were falling into a trap of unwittingly promoting humanism. AP was the terrible evil and later, anything short of total and complete obedience was leaving room for your child to fall prey to Satan. The more I read of other Christian parenting philosophies, I am realizing that obedience at any cost can cost you your child's heart. I'm not sure exactly how to go about training their hearts beyond behavior, but I'm working on that! Coming from a very legalistic church background, that's a struggle anyway.

Posted by: Jema at May 2, 2005 09:37 PM

Hi,

I have been reading for several months now. I love your site. I wanted to comment on this because I read it this weekend, when having a tough time with my little one. (who knew you could sprout 4 random teeth all at the same time?) It really reminded me that love and a sense of humor will get you through most of this. Thanks and God Bless.

-A

Posted by: Amy at May 2, 2005 11:26 PM

I loved this! I think it should be read by all first time moms and dads. I'd add

Yes it will pass, and then something new will come along.

Your shirt really does look better with food and nose grime on it.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at May 3, 2005 12:43 PM

I love it! So true.:)

Posted by: Becky at May 3, 2005 04:39 PM

I totally love this - it hits me right where I live!!! I am giving you notice that I am officially swiping this - but I promise to link to you. ;-)

Posted by: ~Leann at May 4, 2005 05:13 PM

Yes it will pass, and then something new will come along.

Ooooh! Isn't this SO true! *L*

Posted by: TulipGirl at May 5, 2005 02:17 PM

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